A telegram from the Mekong Delta, 'Nam - Delta Force here. Stop. Made it across river border crossing from Cambodia. Stop. Hired own motorbike to travel into deep South Delta. Stop. Saw no tourists for three days. Stop. Biked to Chau Doc via Ha Tien, Hon Chong, Rach Gia, Phuong Diem, Can Tho and Long Xuyen. Stop. Sore bottoms. Stop. Appears that if you know where the horn is, you've passed your driving test in 'Nam. Stop. Eaten a lot of chicken. Stop. Do not feel like chicken tonight. Stop. Watched pig racing. Stop. Do not feel like pork tonight either. Stop. Opting for elephant fish and eel in chilli and lemongrass instead. Stop. Lally rejected first ever item on menu. Stop. Goat's p****stewed in Chinese medicine. Stop. Sailed to many beautiful floating markets to shop for non-goat-appendage meals. Stop. Delicious fruits and iced coffee for breakfast. Stop. Helped make coconut candy and nougat at factory. Stop. Thrown out for eating more than we packed. Stop. Nicola duped into buying a jar of bee pollen. Stop. Also known in English as a pile of dust. Stop. Now spooning it into every cup of tea to spite James. Stop. Stayed in local family's home and cycled around the island. Stop. Baby boy obsessed with James' right calf. Stop. Weird. Stop. Now heading to the city lights of Ho Chi Minh City. Stop. In the name of love. Stop. Right now, thank you very much, I need somebody with a human touch. Stop. Collaborate and listen. Stop (no, really, please stop, ed).