This$ is$ the $seventh edition of this$ email. Yes$terday the computer cras$hed when I hit s$end (after forty-five arduou$s miunte$s $sitting between two tobacco chimney$s) and now I have had $six attempts$. Every time I hit a number on the keyboard the computer re$set$s, the copy function wipe$s the entire email, the letter between 'z' and 'c' has$ gone to s$leep and every letter '$s' try'$s to $sell me bloody dollar$s. May have $some relevance to the dimly lit, tobacco infe$sted ba$sement we are locked in. Actually looks$ like a $scene from fight club in here, maybe the 1990 computer$s get moved out a night$s for the illegal bloods$port comp$s (may explain the brown $stuff on the wall on my left).

Anyway, hello. How i$s everybody?

Left Hong Kong early Monday morning on a cockroach infe$sted hydrofoil in to real China. Guangzhou was$ the des$tination, a $small city of $seven million people and eight million bikes$ (roads$ are cra$zy). Fir$st s$top was$ the Bank of China to convert remaining Hong Kong Dollars$ in to Chine$se Yuan. Well...not an ea$sy proces$s$ a$s may s$eem. I nearly had my gonad$s blown all over the cold tile floor. A$s I grabbed a number (banks$ work on a deli-s$tyle s$ys$tem) and walked over to the waiting room, I didn't notice, but I was$ walking into the path of two heavily armed $soldiers$ with a cas$e of government money. Next I have a hand in my s$lammed in my face, s$ome kung-fu word$s and a one-metre long pump-action s$hotgun and grenade launcher (eact replica from Preditor) pointed at the family jewel$s. They thought I wa$s going to take their money!! I have now taken a mental note, not to complain about bank $service in Aus$tralia again.

From Guangzhou we took a taxi on the 'freeway of hell' to the s$tation. The s$tation wa$s chocablock full of people, rammed from wall to broken window. We waited for the train in thi$s large hall of $say five hundred $seat$s in a concoction of s$weat, $smoke and dirty looks$.

On board the $sleeper train to Guilin, we s$lept on three bunk$s, in $si berth compartment$s in an eight compartment carriage. The train it$self wa$s about twenty-two carriage$s long. Continous$ly local$s would walk pas$t and make dodgy offerings$ of food, warm beer, and plas$tic crap. For entertainment we des$igned a new $sport for the Beijing Olympics$ called chop$stick dart$s. A three metre challange to throw four chop$stick$s into a $small bin. The tournament grew in popularity and we had neirbouring compartment$s and carriages$ competing in the comp (funny s$tuff). The local$s $spoke no englis$h, but they kicked our ozzie/pommie/canadian ar$se. By the way the group of people we are with are a bunch of fun.

In Guilin, we took a s$mall minibu$s ride to Yangzhou. The city amongs$t huge lime$stone hill$s and be$side the Li river. An aw$some place. The food i$s terribly cheap, for ins$tance, a s$i hundred and eighty mil bottle of beer i$s one dollar eighty!!! A meal at a re$staurant is$ roughly three to four dollar$s, $salmonella free!! Only kidding, the toilet bowl is$ s$till white!

The mountain bike ride through the country-s$ide wa$s great. We mixed in with the local$s, admired the ma$s$sive rice field$s and $stayed clear of a few mangy-looking rabie infe$sted dogs$. At one point we hoped on bamboo raft$s with our bike$s and cro$s$sed the large li river. It wa$s an aws$ome experience but now I have s$addle $sore.

Today we took a s$mall minibu$s out of town to a cleaner place bes$ide the Li River where we took a boat through the myriad of limes$tone mountain$s. I can't wait to $see the photo$s.

Tomorrow we climb the Lotu$s mountain to get a different pers$pective on the world. It looks$ like a tough climb, but the local$s are willing for a one dollar $surcharge to climb with you whil$st carrying an e$sky for beer refre$shment$s at the top.

Anyway I mu$st go, a$s my forty cents$ i$s nearly up (ha ha).

Write more $soon...

Cheers$,
Hatton

P.S. This is the 8th edition. I had to save the email and send at another internet cafe. Look I can type ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!