Fifty Shades of White

As you can see I have now decided to title each blog. So, what have we been up to in WA?

We stayed two nights at Rachel's house in a suburb of Perth called Maylands. Special thanks to Rachel and Mal for letting us stay and for showing us around.

Having arrived feeling a bit ropey, on the way from the airport to Rachel's house, she mentioned that they had a rat infestation. Apologies for the language, but my initial thoughts were "F*ck me, taxi to the nearest Hilton". Rachel told us that a pest control fella had been brought in and put poison down but that it would take 12 days to kill the b*****s. In the meantime, the rats were running wild in the loft. Had an image of that scene in Rambo II were he is caught by the Viet Cong and all these rats are running over him as he slept. Oh how I needed Colonel Troutman and the Baker team to rescue me (know what I mean Ian - where is Gomez when you need him?). In my sleep I was shouting "Covey leader to raven" apparently. However, it was about to get worse ....

Rachel and Mal were incredibly welcoming and as we sat in the living room having a beer, Mal mentioned that some weird things had been happening in the house. "Like what?" I asked, not really wanting to know. First up, strange flashing lights would appear out of nowhere and as we were talking, sure enough one went off which Anna saw. Mal then mentioned that his keys one night just started moving around. "I don't think it's a malevolent spirit" said Mal. Malevolent or not I thought, I've seen Poltergeist, so b***** this, I'm off. I mean, the house could have been built on an Aboriginal graveyard couldn't it?Anna however thought it would be rude to leave - what planet is she on eh?

Now, look at it from my viewpoint. Those who know me will be aware that I'm not the type of guy who likes staying in other people's houses - no matter who it is. Just like my Dad really. I feel uncomfortable tip toeing around and being unable to walk around naked and generally "doing my thing". Couple this with rodents running around and a potential haunting and it was "bad news brown".

Despite saying ten Hail Marys I didn't get much kip that night. The rats were squealing upstairs having taken the bait and were slowly dying. Now and again, they would scurry around above our heads. Most disconcerting. Mal told me the next morning that they were probably having a party. I had an image of about ten rats sat around a table with a few beers and a disco ball spinning with some Donna Summer tunes belting out. Lots of other weird noises as well .......

With Mal and Rachel in work on Friday, Kev (Rachel's brother) let us come in his taxi to the city centre and we had a walk around Kings Park which has stunning aerial views of the city centre (see pics). Stopped off for lunch, walked on to the city centre to take a look. Was OK - shopping didn't look great, pretty small town centre really. Met Rachel after work to catch train back to Maylands, quick shower and then out for a late dinner at the Queens pub in Mount Lawley with Rachel and Mal.

Great evening - food was good (it is expensive over here though), although some b****** bird s*** all over me and Mal as we were sitting outside. All down my all saints tshirt. Thank god it didn't do it ten minutes earlier all over my steak. That's the problem over here, there are so many things that want to eat you or indeed, s*** on you.

I had a few beers and got to know Mal who is a really nice guy, as he talked about his kite surfing and fishing. He told us some great stories about what he gets up to - let's compare his weekend and mine ......

At the weekend Mal might decide to drive up to a deserted beach about 100km away with his mate for a couple of days - do some fishing, maybe catch a baby shark and go kite surfing, crack open a few "cold ones" and sleep on the beach. As for me, my highlight might be going to the supermarket and getting a 3 for a fiver ready meal offer and then reading my papers indoors while its hammering with rain outside. Which would you rather have? I know, I know - you can't beat a good Saino's offer can you?

Anyway, this place is MASSIVE. On the West coast, once you get outside the main Perth area there is miles of empty beach and desert. Funnily enough house prices are crazy as they don't let anyone build. Rachel's house is worth about AUD800000.

Back to the house around midnight - having discussed various ghostly stories, I think we were all a bit spooked and went to bed. Slept a bit better, not as much rat activity.

Yesterday morning we had a lovely full breakfast at a place in Cottlesloe and then took a look at the beach. Lots of young, beautiful bodies on display (including mine). I sat under a tree with Mal whilst the girls went into the water. Went for a quick drive around to see more of the city. One road sign showing a bloody big picture of a hawk intrigued me. Mal said that Hawks would often swoop down on unsuspecting passers by and attack them. Jesus Christ I thought, what is this place - are we in Jurassic Park? Imagine walking down a road with your iPod on, minding your own business and a bloody big hawk (waist high) swoops on you. Wouldn't happen in townfield land would it?

Perth is somewhat different from other cities I have been in. The centre itself is ok, but the suburbs are fantastic with loads of cool bars, coffee shops, restaurants and beaches. Had a few beers in the Aviary yesterday afternoon which is a rooftop bar. Then we visited a suburb called Subiaco last night and had a fantastic burger - BJ rating of 4 with Anna. Good night life - lots of "beautiful people" like me and Anna strolling around. Reminded me of West Kirby but on steroids, Lance Armstrong style. Got back in time to catch Liverpool vs Norwich game live, in the hotel room. Cracking 5-0 win. Couldn't even watch that at home.

In Fremantle now taking a look which is about 10 miles south. It reminds me of Southport with its Victorian style arcade shopping strip. They have a massive indoor market which sells all kinds of stuff. One thing I have noticed over here is that there aren't many big supermarkets which allows the smaller retailer to flourish. But things are more expensive - what would you rather have? They have a cappachino strip here so we will grab a coffee later. Just taken a walk along Fremantle Harbour - very nice. Lovely place. Having a cool beer now in the wharf, which reminds me a bit of San Fran.

Anyway, its very hot - about 90 degrees, clear blue sky but with a gentle cool breeze that mops your sun kissed brow and restores your equilibrium. Its called the Fremantle Doctor. As usual I'm in the shadows like a panther, ready to pounce. Tan is coming along nicely. Gone from snow white to a kind of sickly white colour. Anna looks a bit like an alien from Roswell (see picture).

Lots of weirdos walking around with these wooden things that mimic bird sounds. I get confused as that's what Anna sounds like when she is nagging me.

How's the snow MOFOs? Heard its freezing over there. My kind of weather ....