For some reason we thought nipping up to Ayutthaya before travellling down to Phuket was a good idea. We ended up travelling for around 20 hours, maybe more. I can't remember, but we had a VIP bus with a porter and everything so it could have been alot worse. Anyway, we got to Phuket and stayed in the worst joint out, where we slept for around 15 hours before making the journey down to Patong beach. Our tuk tuk driver tried to scam us a few times, but we were having none of his nonsense. We thought we were dead-cool but we now realise he just wasn't very good at lying. For instance, he actually informed us that the reason he was offering a cheap fare was that he was going to stop off at a gem store, where we would buy something and he would get another stamp on his hand for his 10% commission. Then he tried his best to convince us our hotel was fully booked (so we'd book into his mate's hostel), but he was just too honest and gave up without much of a fight. Eleanor, Gillian, and Paul were staying in a fancy hotel right on the shore. It was ridiculously expensive for us, but we thought 'Why not, Phuket'. As you can maybe see in the photos one side was pristine and the other side was a complete wasteland. The tsunami in 2004 did Phuket a fair bit of damage. I think this was the place most tourists got into trouble, which explains why we'd heard so much about this place in the news. However it's all dolled up again and looks in pretty good shape. The change in temperature was really nice; it was almost possible to eat lunch without sweating. However, where you chose to have that lunch is a difficult matter. Either you fork out for a meal on the shore or you head round the corner to the cheaper, party-going street, where you can get 'Good drinks, bad girls'. Sorry to point that out, but it was pretty shocking here. Much, much worse than Bangkok's sleaziest areas. It really is amazing how many middle-aged western men make friends so quickly with young Thai women and pre-pubescent Thai boys. We were thoroughly depressed by that, and it got even worse on the journey north up to Chiang Mai. In Bangkok train station a woman began choking so badly that she was shaking, clearly not getting any oxygen in at all. It went on for a farcical amount of time. Her friend was distraught and crying out for help, and eventually a few people ran over to unblock her windpipe. One guy ran down to the army officers patrolling the station, keeping watch over the images of the king and his birthday book full of signatures. He was clearly in a panic but the officers carried on chatting until one of them began strolling towards the exit, away from the crowd. He didn't even use his walkie-talkie, or call an ambulance or fish out someone with first aid skills. Eventually he began loitering in the direction the crowd that were gathering round the choking woman. He seemed to be more concerned that a mob was gathering under an image of the king, than he was that someone might die in a public space in front of thousands of people. His expression really was one of complete indifference to the outcome. Of course, overt displays of emotion are frowned upon here, especially, it seems, by the dignified classes. However, what made this really sickening was that the huge screen carried on churning out video images of the king greeting dignatories from throughout the world. It showed pictures of him being thoughtful, philanthropic, and patient with his adoring subjects. Eventually a girl just stuck her hand down the girl's throat and pulled whatever it was out. The officer stood around for a minute or two until the crowd dispersed and then decided to get back to his job guarding the book of signatures. He didn't even look at the girl who was still rolling about on the ground, clearly struggling. About an hour later it was time to stand for the national anthem and I could see the very same officer leap into action. Him and the other officers stood at attention under the king's image, keeping an eye out for anybody who failed to stand up. The video showed images of people on the verge of insanity, almost crying with reverence at their king and the national anthem. (I thought overt signs of emotion were frowned upon, maybe that only applies to certain classes after all.) Most of the young Thai folk around us, just out of sight of the officers, looked twitchy during the 5 minutes, but were clearly used to this routine. Anyway, I thought I'd metion that because it was thoroughly unsettling. I also thought I'd mention it because far too many people concentrate on how beautiful this country is, or how wonderful the people are (which on the whole they are!) or how amazingly laid back they are because of their Buddhist beliefs. In some ways this place is ugly, just like anywhere else, but I still think that makes it ok to rant on about stuff that you find utterly disgusting. Yet, amongst these slight inconveniences we've found time to enjoy ourselves, and the amazing things about Thailand! In Phuket we got lazy in the beach, went swimming, got sunburnt and then debated who was redder and who was reddest. We filled the evenings with games of poker, and it turns out I'm a champion. I managed to win everyone's chips on the first night, despite not really getting a grip on the rules. It was my recklesness that won. Apparently the hands I was winning with were hilariously bad. But that doesn't mean I'm a good liar, I played honestly, just with awful cards that I truly believed were magic. On the last night we all had a stunning meal in a really nice place on the shore. It was all tiger prawns and lobsters; just enough seafood to make you feel lightheaded and a bit drunk. After the meal we played some more poker, but this time those who deserved to win won hands down. We played for real money (about one pound fifty) and the pack of cards. Jenny and I were happy enough to have lost in a fair game, but Gillian and Paul were too nice and left us the cards and the money we'd lost outside out hotel door. We thought that was lovely. (Thanks, if you read this!) The next day Eleanor began her ridiculously convoluted route back to Glasgow (via Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Sri Lanka, and London), and Gillian and Paul set off for Koh Pah Ngan. Myself and Jenny lounged around until midday before setting off for the bus station, hoping to catch a bus to Surat Thani, where we'd get the train overnight to Bangkok. It was a great bus journey, loads of great things to see. The highlight had to be meeting an elephant on the road, at the top of a hill which meets a huge cliff. No idea how he got there, but we presume he was either working or he had escaped from the stunning national park we had to skirt round. We got to Surat Thani and jumped on the overnight sleeper to Bangkok. The only problem was that Jenny was in carriage 13 and I was in carriage 3. That meant we were stuck ourselves in amongst loads of Thai people, with nobody at all we could talk to. They go to bed too early here, and consequently get up far far too early. Nonetheless the people are nice, if not a bit forward. I had just woke up in the morning to see this big smiley face at my curtain screaming something totally untranslatable in my face. I made a heroic effort to cover myself up, and then I just smiled, nodded and agreed that yes it was time to get up. 7am. Honestly. Our beds were then dismantled and I had to sit across from this smiley woman who'd slept above me. She decided after a while that her seat wasn't as good as mine, and so ordered me to move. I wasn't going to argue, and the whole carriage seemed to be very amused by this. I think they were saying something along the lines of 'Ha! Look at this sleepy-head; waking up at SEVEN am!'. I smiled and nodded some more, and pretended to read. Me and Jenny were delighted to see that we had both made it to the same station (they have a habit of swapping carriages in the middle of the night) and both went off into the centre of the station, where two minutes later we'd be thoroughly disgusted by the propaganda and how choking people are dealt with. Anyway, it's time to go see if Jenny's feeling well enough to explore Chiang Mai. Thanks for listening, if you did, and sorry for the moaning etc. We're enjoying ourselves, honest! Love Colin x x x