Volcanoes, Chocloate-based Violation and Equine Adventures in Ecuador...

After Quito and Otavalo, we went south in the back of a ute, to the Secret Garden's sister hostel at Cotapaxi. The hostel had the most stunning view we've seen yet, it directly overlooked the massive snow-capped volcano, and a vast panorama of other mountains and volcanoes. We had a great stay here too. Again, the people were lovely and we walked/scrabbled to a waterfall on arrival, then up to the glacier on Cotapaxi, on day 2. Now this is easier said than done as it's over 5000m above sea level and the weather turns in a second, very slow breathless drunken staggering is the general mode of transport.

Our next adventure was the Quilotoa Loop, which is properly off the beaten track and requires a lot of rickety public transport, hitch-hiking in the back of pick-ups, walking and luck. On the recommendation of a man from the South American Explorers club we end up in Isinlivi, doing it the wrong way round and had to get lifts from the luggage conveys for the more hardcore walkers. This cost us more than we hoped but we're treated to the most impressive scenery we've seen in South America so far, (plus we got to meet and chat with several really lovely indigenous people along the way, which is what the Loop is all about really.)

When we arrive at Quilotoa, another big volcano, we decided to go down to the bottom of the crater to look at the lake. This proved to be a bit of a mistake as we went down totally unprepared, without enough water and with far too many layers on. Walking back up was like climbing a never-ending pile of coarse sand in the scorching sun. To add insult to injury we kept on being overtaken by 60 year old Germans in hiking gear! The beer at the top was one of the best I've drunk in my life mind!

Our next port of call on our journey back to Peru was Banos.. It's a trashy tourist town, surrounded on all sides by beautiful, lush green mountains. My back was starting to play up so I booked us in for a super cheap massage.We were given a range of options for the massage; essential oils, honey, aloe vera and a chocolate wrap. Seeing as it was all a bit of an experiment for Lucy she went for the chocolate wrap, I wasn't allowed to have that as I was 'too hairy'. It should of twigged at that point that something odd was afoot but I didn't really anticipate quite what I'd let us, or more specifically, Lucy, into!

In separate, badly lit 'rooms' (really just someone's living room curtained off into hospital style cubicles), we had to strip down to our underwear and lie on some fairly makeshift and disturbingly sterile beds awaiting our masseurs. Both were tiny Ecuadorian women, and had to stand on boxes to get high enough to reach our beds. My massage was relatively normal, even if the essential oils just smelt of compost juice. Lucy's on the other hand was quite a different experience! The chocolate wrap was essentially just them rubbing some sticky and slightly gritty brown substance onto her body and head! The highlights of this awkward hour include the ass attention, then inner thigh, followed by the chest massaging (accompanied by the pan pipe version of the Titanic theme tune.) Feeling mildly violated and traumatised but amused, we head to the thermal baths to relax!

The following day we went on the 'fun bus' on the Ruta de Cascadas from Banos to Puyo. The fun bus was a brightly painted, open-sided wagon that we were crammed into with loads of South American day trippers. We were sat next to some very friendly Colombians who made us try all their snacks including raw sugar cane, some fruit that essentially tasted like lemon pith and a weird toffee lolly that was sticky enough to rip fillings clean out of your teeth!(Lucy's snuck out the window). The tour took us along the winding roads high up in the lush green valley sides passing through pitch black tunnels that cut through the mountains (during which all the women and children screamed every time) emerging to reveal yet another stunning waterfall or panorama. We skipped the opportunity to bungee jump (death trap) but went for the cable car. Our final destination was the biggest waterfall which involved a steep walk down into the valley bottom to see a waterfall that was straight off the set of a Bounty or Herbal Essences advert! I had a quick swim in the freezing plunge pool then we headed back to Banos to continue our Ecuadorian journey to Cuenca.

The bus journey to Cuenca started normally but midway through we had to 'make a connection' in Riobamba with the continuing bus to Cuenca. This 'transfer' was essentially just us and our backpacks being chucked off the bus in the middle of a dual carriageway and being shepherded onto a bus (while dodging moto-taxis) that was parked up behind us blocking traffic! We only had half a day in the beautifully quaint colonial city of Cuenca, which gives us chance to post Christmas presents home and visit the giant waxwork statue of the Pope JP in the Cathedral before heading south.

Vilcabamba is a tiny town nestled up in the southern highlands of Ecuador, our hostel, the tongue twisting Hostelria Izhcayluma, was perched up on a valleyside with a picture perfect view looking out over the hills. The hostel is run by a few jovial Bavarians and consequentially is full of other Germans who constantly sound as though they are arguing with each other (even when they're declaring undying love). Our first day here was spent doing one of the walks in the hills and valleys around the hostel. An extremely loyal dog adopted us and followed dutifully by our side the entire way around the walk. At first we were wary of it as they warn you that you need to carry a big rock or stick with you to throw or at least threaten the many aggressive dogs you may meet along the way, but this one was harmless. As it was a b****, we actually ended up being its bodyguards against all the horny dogs we met along the route. I had to throw several big rocks at two dogs that were attacking and raping our loyal mutt which wasn't what how I imagined our stroll in the picturesque Ecuadorian countryside would turn out!

The following day we spent on a 6 hour horse-riding trip around the beautiful Parque Nacional Podocarpus. First we got to play dress up, picking out cheesy Gaucho hats and wellies to wear. Lucy's stirrups were too low down and her wellies kept falling off, so she couldn't lift herself off the saddle by enough. Thus whenever her horse, the aptly named Tequila, decided to go any faster than a trot she was unceremoniously bounced up and down like a ragdoll! They tried to remedy this problem by giving her some weird saw-off clog stirrups but they appeared to of been custom-built for Pingu or Charlie Chaplin and so just turned her feet outwards and added ankles to list of sore body parts (along with bum, knees, back, hands...)! Tequila wasn't always the most cooperative of horses and so Lucy was given some spurs or 'Gasolina' as they called it, to get him moving. One the other hand, my horse 'Midnight', was great and I really took to the riding and by the end I was galloping away like John Wayne. By the next morning we were both walking like him too. It turns out humans aren't really designed for riding, at least us anyway. If there was any doubt about this, sitting on various buses for 40 hours crossing the border into Peru the following day, soon confirmed our status as anatomically incompatible with horse riding.