Hong Kong consists of three main areas - Hong Kong Island, Kowloon and Lantau - and a number of smaller islands. A short ferry ride from Discovery Bay on the famous Star Ferry takes me across to Central which is the main hub of Hong Kong and from where buses, trains, taxis and rickshaws will happily take you wherever you want to go. The Star Ferry, in fact, is one of the highlights of the whole Hong Kong experience for me. Staying in Discovery Bay, I have no choice but to take a 30 minute jet-cat ride every morning, and there's nothing that starts the morning off better than a ferry ride. The wind blowing across the water certainly wakes you up!

Hong Kong Island is home to most of the region's markets, the zoological gardens, the Hong Kong Peak with it's almost vertical tram to the top and most of the nightlife. This is where you will find Central, as well as a reasonable selection of shops and restaurants and the intriguingly out of place town of Aberdeen - where you can visit Ocean Park, a marine centre not dissimilar to Sea World in Florida, and the Middle Kingdom which is a huge Theme Park full of Pagodas and water gardens. It is here that, on my last visit to the territory, I was sucked into a demonstration of local dance and forced to gyrate madly with beautiful Chinese girls in front of a laughing audience. I'm not quite sure why they were laughing, but it certainly wasn't at my dancing.

Having said that I loved having to catch a ferry from Lantau every morning to start the day, I should point out here that my trip to Ocean Park and the Middle Kingdom in 1997 was almost ruined by Star Ferries. I had to meet a coach outside a particular hotel on Hong Kong Island at 9 in the morning, and the ferry chose that particular morning to break down. By the time a new one arrived to replace it and I was able to get across to Central, I was running so late that I found myself running through the streets of Hong Kong like a madman at 9.10 looking for the hotel while trying to pin a name badge onto myself which the tourist information centre had given me the previous day so that the coach driver would recognise me.

It only took about 20 minutes to reach Aberdeen, and our guide escorted us through the entrance to Ocean Park and up the world's largest outdoor escalator. Since much of Hong Kong is quite mountainous, Ocean Park and the Middle Kingdom are built on one of its slopes and it's impossible to go anywhere in the parks without being surrounded by incredible views of Hong Kong Island and the mainland across the water. The outdoor escalator, something you would surely only find in Hong Kong, takes visitors from the bottom of Ocean Park to the top, from where a twisty path leads down the mountain through all the attractions until you finally arrive back at the entrance. It's quite a clever idea, actually - instead of forcing all your visitors to knacker themselves out climbing up the mountain, only to have them turn around and traipse back down after seeing everything, take them straight to the top on an escalator and make the entire visit a downhill experience. So to speak.

Before making my way down, I queued up to watch the main show in the arena at the top of the escalator. Anybody who has been to SeaWorld will know exactly what was on offer - the audience crowds into tiered seating around a central tank as though watching a football match, albeit a football match where the pitch is filled with water. A team of trainers who would clearly rather be in the theatre then appear around the tank and put on a show involving dolphins, whales, sealions and anything else they can get to perform for an audience. Of course, most of the spectators would be quite happy to simply shout "ooh" and "ahh" as the dolphins leap through hoops or allow their trainers to ride around the tank on their backs, but for some reason these people always seems to be under the impression that what we really want to see is a scene from Indiana Jones re-enacted with the trainers dressed as Indie and the sealions cast in the role of his assistants. There's nothing wrong with these shows, you understand, and they're great fun for all the family, but if you've seen one you've seen them all. And if you sit in the front row, you are always going to get very, very wet...

One of the highlights of Ocean Park, in my humble opinion, is the central aquarium. It's actually pretty much impossible to avoid if you follow the winding pathway down from the top as you are channelled into the entrance and have to visit the attraction in order to pick up the path on the other side.The Ocean Park aquarium is essentially the largest tank you've ever seen in your life, packed with as many marine creatures as you can imagine, all living in harmony with each other and swimming around and interacting with each other just as they would out in the sea.

Steps lead visitors right up to the top of the tank, from where a circular passageway leads downward, winding its way around the tank. At the top, you see all the creatures who like to live near the surface, and as you descend and the ambiant lighting dims, the tank is filled with creatures from the depths. It really is quite an obvious idea, if you think about it - and one which I'm surprised to have not seen elsewhere.

The Middle Kingdom is a separate part of Ocean Park, connected by a spectacular cable-car ride, in which every effort is made to convince visitors that they have somehow been transported back to ancient China. The trouble is that the architectural styles of ancient China reminded me more of the Japanese temples and houses depicted in epic TV series such as Shogun, so I actually felt more as though I was suddenly in Japan. This wasn't helped by the fact that the centrepiece of the Middle Kingdom was a large and beautifully laid out ornamental garden, complete with arched bridges over ponds - it was a Japanese garden in all but name. To confuse matters even more, the carefully reconstructed streets of the Middle Kingdom village were lined on both sides by giant towering rock walls covered in carvings of kings sitting cross legged and wearing tall square hats - exactly the sort of thing I would expect to find if I went to Egypt and explored the valley of the kings. All they needed to do was replace the roller-coaster which dominated the skyline and did its best to ruin the entire illusion with a pyramid or two, and I would've crossed Egypt off my list of places to see before I die. It probably doesn't help that there actually was a dynasty of ancient Egypt called the Middle Kingdom! Then again, perhaps this all just means that I should sit down and do some reading up on ancient China.

Which brings us neatly back to all the gyrating and the dancing and being laughed at which I mentioned earlier. And not before time, I hear you say. During the afternoon, the main square in the Middle Kingdom plays host to a sort of impromtu dance show - young women dressed in Chinese period costume, who, until this time have been wandering around the Middle Kingdom smiling at people and answering their questions on ancient China, suddenly all converge on the central square and start gathering people around. When a crowd has formed, they ask for volunteers (or just grab anyone who looks game) and attempt to teach them how to perform a traditional Chinese folk dance. You can see where this is going, can't you?

Anyway, as I'm sure I must've mentioned before, I'm a good one for being caught in the moment and just jumping in. If I have time to think about it, I have time to realise that what I'm about to do is incredibly stupid and may well make me look like a total prat, but don't give me a chance to think about it and you've got me. So when one of these Chinese women looked in my general direction for a second, I jumped right in and found myself volunteering for prat duty. And yes, I probably could've phrased that better.

Actually, one of the great things about being on holiday is that you really don't care what other people think. It was strangely liberating to be part of a circle of Chinese folk dancers, trying desperately to follow their moves as they twirled and gyrated and made every effort to make me look silly. The audience lapped it lap, cheering and clapping every time I did something well and laughing loudly whenever I fell on my arse. When it was all over, I was subjected to an extended bowing display by the dancers as though I had somehow managed to negotiate world peace. I returned to the audience feeling as though I had achieved something, even if it was only to have come first in some sort of international "looking like a wally" contest.

Before leaving the Middle Kingdom, there was one thing I really wanted to see - the dragon dancers. The park has its own outdoor theatre, which is styled after a Chinese palace courtyard surrounded by tall pagoda style buildings. Ater queuing up, we all filed in and were seated around the courtyard on steps from where we had a clear view of a central stage. We were then treated to the most amazing display of Chinese acrobatics, which went far beyond any expectations I may have had. Other theme parks can keep their "Police Academy Stunt shows" and their "Indiana Jones Spectaculars" - this was real entertainment involving proper skills, and not one single person had to be set on fire or squashed by a rolling boulder.

The main thing which fascinates me about Chinese acrobats and dragon dancers is just how much they obviously enjoy showing off. I mean, normal acrobats are quite happy to do a bit of tight rope walking or swing from a trapese. There is generally no reason at all to get together with one of your mates, put on an elaborate dragon costume with one of you in the head and another in the legs, and set about rolling around on giant balls or leaping from diving boards onto one end of a see-saw in order to catapult an assistant into the atmosphere. It really is all totally mesmerising. But these people are also consummate showmen - they move the dragon around as though it's alive, treating it like a giant puppet and having it dance and pull faces and roar at the audience. It would probably take me several years to learn how to balance on top of a ball and roll it along with my feet, so anybody who can do it dressed as the head of a dragon with somebody else behind them being the feet has got to have my respect. I came away from the Middle Kingdom feeling as though I'd seen something peculiarly Chinese that I would be unlikely to see live again - and for that alone, my visit had been worth it.

After I'd made my way down through the funfair, with its ridiculous number of white knuckle rides, I was met at the park entrance by our guide, who had somehow managed to have photographs taken of us all at the top of the escalators and was now keen to flog them to us glazed onto plates. I've never really understood why anyone would want to eat off their relatives faces, but I shelled out about fifteen quid for one anyway as a gift and set about trying to find my way back to the coach in the crowded car park. On the way, I was accosted by a Chinese family who wanted me to take a photo of them standing outside the entrance - slightly more strangely, they then went on to say that they'd really like a photo of me with their daughter. At the time, I simply looked slightly perplexed and obliged, assuming this to be some sort of strange local custom. Only now does it occur to me, with the benefit of hindsight, that somebody has probably been using a photograph of themselves with me to convince immigration officers that they have a British boyfriend ever since...

About Simon and Burfords Travels:

Simon Burford is a UK based travel writer. He will be re-publishing his travel blogs, chapters from his books and other miscellaneous rantings on these pages over the coming weeks and months, and the entry on this page may not necessarily reflect todays date.