The following entry was originally written in February 1999, and minor updates have been made for this blog.

As I strolled along Hollywood Boulevard yesterday afternoon, I overheard two people talking as they passed by. One of them was complaining to the other "Man, you hear about all the glitz of Hollywood, and then you get here and find this...." He might've even added another word on the end, but I'm far too polite to mention it here - however, in many ways, this does sum Hollywood up. One of the websites I looked at while doing research for this book actually states proudly in the opening sentence that "with recent renovation efforts, this part of Hollywood Boulevard is now a less seedy part of town" and that should really tell you all you need to know about the area! The streets of Hollywood and Beverly Hills are simply miles apart. The main problem is that the Chinese Theatre and the sidewalk stars on Hollywood Boulevard are the only things that pull tourists here, so they take very good care to make this area as glittery as possible while seemingly forgetting about the rest of the town - and Hollywood in general is therefore actually pretty dirty and run down.

When I was here a few years ago, I remember coming out of my hotel one day and diving behind a van with several others in the group when we heard what we all assumed to be a loud gunshot. It turned out to be a car backfiring, but the expression on the face of our guide told us all we needed to know about the area we were in. I'm staying in the same hotel now, and the main entrance leads onto a dark and seedy looking side street. There is a donut shop opposite which sells far more varieties of donuts than the mind can comprehend, and it's always filled with a colourful mix of tourists, friendly Americans and guys who look as though they might shoot somebody at any moment. It's very easy to find yourself on the wrong side of the tracks here, as illustrated by a conversation I had with the concierge at my hotel last night:

"Excuse me," I asked, "but could you tell me the best way to get to Sunset Strip?"

"You can't" he replied.

I sighed, preparing myself for another conversation about distance. Americans have a curious habit of telling you that it's impossible to get somewhere if there isn't a direct bus. Using those things on the end of your legs would simply never occur to them. "Why not?" I asked.

"Because," explained the concierge patiently, "somebody will shoot you."

Hollywood Bouldevard is quite possibly about to get a major overhaul, however. My hotel is all set to close down - something which is quite plain in the faces of the staff - and builders will be arriving shortly to spend the next two years knocking much of it down in favour of a wonderland of entertainment, cinemas, theatres, shops and all manner of stuff to bring in the tourists and expand the glitz of Hollywood Boulevard just that little bit further. I can therefore just about excuse the building works outside my window that stretch off in all directions for two blocks, but it's hard to excuse the service even if the staff do know that they're all going to be out of a job soon. An example: For two days at my hotel - the Holiday Inn, since you ask - I have had no milk, sugar, tea bags or coffee in my room - so, not unreasonably, I asked for some. Then I asked for some again. After eight hours and six attempts, each time being assured that housekeeping were on their way, I eventually received a big bowl of sugar packets and tea bags but no milk or coffee. Back to reception. Two hours and three more attempts later - a whole new day, now - housekeeping finally turned up on my doorstep with a crib. There was a knock on my door, and I opened it to find a maid standing there wheeling a full size cot for the baby I didn't have - she took one look at me and said simply, "You don't want this, do you?" At least that was what I think she said because there seems to be a tendency around here to employ staff coming across the border from Mexico and, although I have absolutely no problem with employing foreign labour, it's hard to imagine a job less suited for somebody to whom Spanish is their first language than working in a hotel where all the guests speak English. Anyway, another half an hour passed before the maid finally turned up with my cream. Unfortunately, on this occasion it was hand cream - which would've tasted pretty revolting in my coffee. To be fair, Americans don't really understand the idea of putting cream or milk into hot drinks, so this is probably all new to them. I still haven't got what I asked for - I expect my milk to turn up just as I'm leaving for Las Vegas in a few days time.

Hollywood Boulevard consists of a single street lined with numerous souvenir shops and museums. The entire sidewalk is embedded with glittering stars on which the names of famous movie stars past and present are etched, and the road itself, believe it or not, is actually filled with small shards of glass which were mixed in when they were covering it - the result being that everything literally shines as cars drive past at night. The centrepiece of the street is the famous Mann's Chinese Theatre, outside which you'll find the pavement covered in the cement hand and footprints of everybody who has ever been anybody in Hollywood - including, rather oddly, the likes of Donald Duck. Anybody looking for cheap entertainment in Los Angeles could do worse than stand around outside the Chinese Theatre - at some point you'll probably be approached by somebody waving a bunch of free tickets to a sit-com being filmed over at Universal or in Hollywood somewhere. Be warned, however, that American television shows aren't filmed as they are back in Britain - at home, they film one episode at a time and generally film it in one go without any retakes as though it's a theatre production. You're expected to travel all the way to London for the privilege of sitting for half an hour before being thrown out. In Hollywood, you turn up in the morning and sit there all day while several episodes are filmed - I'm told by people who have seen Friends being filmed that they literally pause after every joke to ask if the audience understood it, and if not then they re-write the joke right there with audience feedback. It really is no wonder Friends is consistently so funny.

There are far too many museums to list them all here, but a few are worth a mention. The Guinness World of Records on Hollywood Boulevard, for a start, can easily occupy you for the best part of a morning. On the door is a probability display that lists your chances of entry into the Guinness book at around 1 in 850,000. Nevertheless, a lot of people are celebrated inside for things which the rest of us wouldn't even consider doing in a million years - as long as it's something pretty silly and nobody else has done it, there seems to be a good chance of getting in. A lot more people have also become record holders for simply having something unbelievable happen to them. There is, for example, a display about an air stewardess who holds the world record for the highest freefall after she fell from thirty-three thousand feet and survived when the plane she was on exploded unexpectedly mid-flight. Other records listed here are equally bizarre. Did you know that the fastest plane ever clocked was the U.S. Air force's Pride of 1975 at 2193 miles per hour, or that Mickey Mouse holds the record for the most fan mail in one year at 850,000 letters, or that eight thousand people decided to write to the famous movie star Rin-Tin-Tin in a single month, even though he couldn't read the letters or reply because he was a dog.

The admission ticket to the Guinness World of Records also gets you into the Hollywood Wax Museum across the street, which is home to many a star of stage and screen. I'm not a great fan of waxworks in general - I don't think I've ever seen a convincing facsimile of anyone in wax - but I thought the museum here to be less than average, and judging from the reactions of those around me, people who were laughing and pointing at what should've been serious reproductions of celebrities, most of them agreed with me. To me, a lot of the effigies looked a little as though they were being slowly melted over a flame. A few looked decidedly as though they had serious medical problems - the eyeballs were jammed in at curious angles as though as an afterthought, and I feel sure that most of these people wouldn't be anywhere near as famous if they looked like that in real life! The cast of the American sitcom Seinfeld was done so badly that people were lining up to laugh at it and take photographs to prove to their friends how bad it was. Madam Tussauds has nothing to worry about from the Hollywood Wax Museum. It does, however, have quite a lot to worry about from my automatic spell-checker which reckons it should be re-named Madam Toss-ups!

Just down the street is the Hollywood Entertainment Museum, and this is certainly worth a look (Or at least it would be if it was still there - see note below - Ed). Here, you can find sets from Star Trek, including the bridge and the transporter room from The Next Generation. Mind you, it sort of destroys the illusion a bit when you can sit in the captain's chair in the middle of a museum and see all the bits of set jutting out just off camera. Also to be found here is the entire set from Cheers - and I really do mean the entire set. All four walls, the bar - essentially, apart from the overhead lighting, you are actually in the bar. The cast - Sam, Norm, Carla, Cliff et al - have autographed the bar, but it is more than a little disappointing to find that the tables, chairs and light fittings are nothing more than plastic replicas. The exit door leads to another part of the prop displays, and apparently is illegal under the laws of the United States in that it opens inwards. All public doors have to open outwards so that people can escape easily in an emergency, but they had to make the door open inwards in Cheers so that Norm could make his sweeping entrance in every episode without breaking his nose!

Update: In 2006, the Hollywood Entertainment Museum closed it's doors after ten years - so there is no longer an opportunity to sit in the captain's chair or visit the set of Cheers - but old attractions close and new ones open all the time here, so things will have probably changed again even by the time you read this.

About Simon and Burfords Travels:

Simon Burford is a UK based travel writer. He will be re-publishing his travel blogs, chapters from his books and other miscellaneous rantings on these pages over the coming weeks and months, and the entry on this page may not necessarily reflect todays date.