More Reggie Perrin than Michael Hutchence.

Krabi, Ao Nang, and bye bye thailand

19- 25th may

So i said farewell to my trusty steed, and as i handed over the keys and told them the brakes did not work they started laughing, and then did a mini re enactment of me crashing and then laughed some more and put it straight back in to stock.

Not much different to when a product had come back from repair i suppose ha ha.

The coach to Krabi was the usual combination of tuk tuk transfers and drop offs in the middle of nowhere, and lots of waiting.

My plan had been to get a bike again and to go the beach resort of Ao Nang, but the bus arrived late, and as it was dark and the bus station was in the middle of nowhere, plus i did not have a clue where i was going, so i decided to stay the night.

once again i was greeted by the gayest of hotel managers, but we got on like a house on fire. Plus he had all the information i needed so i booked in for 2 nights and rented a bike the next day with the intention of finding a hotel in a resort on the coast.

As i got to Ao Nang, i saw a big black cloud heading towards the coast. It was very dramatic, for a minute i thought my time was up in another tsunami, but it was just a tropical storm, so to kill some time i went for a manicure, pedicure, and a super duper hot coconut oil massage.

Well, 3 hours later i came out smelling like a dream and looking a million dollars.

But by now it was late so i headed back to see my little gay friend and give him a sniff of paradise.

I asked him to show me how he made his watermelon shakes, so a bit of hello ducky and voila! Then later he told me about a local woman that does Thai cookery lessons seeing as i had a bit of creative culinary interest.

It was something i had always fancied, so i booked myself on for the next day. As the school was near to Ao Nang, she said she could drop me off there afterwards, so it was job done.

When she picked me up, she told me i was the only person on the course. Normally it would have been cancelled any where else, but i had a great afternoon of personal tuition and i got to choose any 6 dishes i wanted to cook, and then i got to eat them all afterwards.

Boy was i stuffed.

My gay friend had a boyfriend with a hotel in Ao Nang, so i agreed to go take a look. It was really nice, with a pool and with a view of the limestone cliffs as a backdrop, and only a couple minutes from the beach, so job done yet again.

That night it was the Man U and Chelsea final, so i wandered in to town to check out the action and see if anyone would be showing the game, as due to the time difference, it would not even start til 2am.

I found a bar and then this london girl came and said helloto me, and then we all started doing Jagermeister shots, then the next minute i was watching the football in a nightclub, and then all i can remember is i was laying on the floor of this Thai girl's house, watching the penalty shoot out and drinking singha beer with her reggae house mate.

Wow what a hangover

Well the next day all i got to see outside was the sunset.....and we arranged to go see reggae man at his bar. It was literally on the beach, flanked at one side by a huge limestone cliff which had the full moon over the top of it.

what a location; sat supping a beer, watching a girl in a tight skirt bend over the pool table, with the noise of waves lapping up behind you on the beach, with the reflection of the moon on the water's surface with a bit of bob marley playing in the background.

Yet another surreal moment.

A toga party and some viagra would have perfected the night.

So rather than sticking to plan "z", i rang the airline for the 35th time and delayed my flight from Singapore and i booked in for another couple of nights as i was hoping the toga party was imminent.

As i was walking through town there were a couple of lads advertising temporary tattoos, so a couple of quid later and the shakiest hands i had ever seen, i was in possession of a henna tattoo in the wrong place that dribbled quite a bit. So rather than a sun demon, i had a big blob on my arm.

Well, better than the real thing i thought. so i will see how i like it and decide from there.

After all, i have to come back with one of the following:

1) Thai Bride

2) Dreadlocks

3) Tattoo

4) Silly beaded necklaces with shark teeth

5) STD.

At the moment one is a certainty, and one a possibility. I will leave the calculation up to you.

So anyway, i was toying with the idea of renting a big harley to go with my tattoo, but could do with a couple more days growth on the hells angel goaty and moustache, so opted for an island tour instead.

The coast is littered with loads of beautiful islands, so at least i would get to see a bit more of the island than some girls ceiling.

I decided to have a quiet night in and take it easy the night before and just went for a meal, but had to endure the life story of the woman that owned the restaurant for about an hour after i wanted to go, but she had given me free beer and a desert, so i felt obliged.

After she kept telling me how similar an age we were and introduced me to her 2 kids, i ran away back to my room with a couple of chang beers from seven eleven to calm me down.

Luckily the next day the weather was perfect and the island tour was really good. The "Penis" shrine on the last island was a bit bizarre, but our tour guide took us caving and i was terrified. It was pitch black and the tide was rising, but a couple of french girls kept calling me an English p**** so i had to be the man.

Then finally we come out the other side then up some rocks where i cut my freshly scrubbed and pedicured feet to ribbons, and we are at a rock jump.

From the rock it looked 50 foot high, in reality it was only 20, but i was getting flash backs from laos.

However the French girls leapt off and to avoid the shame i had to follow.

Well it was not as bad as i thought until i realised the rock was about 200 foot away from the beach. Swimming is not my strong point, and drowning is not in my top 10 of ways to die.

Drugs, women, fireball as a result of high speed crash, or swinging by a belt from a door frame, definitely come further up the list, but for a few moments i was worried i was not going out in such a blaze of glory.

my fitness on the one hand was a definite disadvantage, but the fact i am now so fat, helped me to float to shore, and i dragged myself up the beach, like a scene from robinson crusoe, right in front of the penis shrine.

i suppose if i had drowned there and then, the location would have added some comedy value.

The bus to Langkawi leaves at6am, so i have decided to stay one more day and have one more night on the town, and see where i end up in the morning, rather than doing my usual and travelling with a hangover...yeah right.......

somehow i have managed to lose my only pair of trousers. how on earth did i manage that?

Choosing an airline with unlimited flight changes was a bad idea.................

Next installment................hello Malaysia, and did i get an early night??