When I worked in Saudi Arabia I became good friends with one of my team called Angelito, or Lito for short, who was from the Philippines.

He was a bit of a local Huggy Bear who could get you most things you needed that were not available in the shops, shall we say.

I think you get the picture.

Anyhow he left not longer after me and went back home, so I said I would visit on my travels.
When I landed at Manila I looked for him but all I could see was some skinny bloke waving at me.
Mr Andrew, I heard the skinny bloke shout, I could not believe it was Lito, he had lost so much weight since I saw him 2 years ago.

Oh you got fat Mr Andrew.

Thanks.

It was knocking on ten o clock at night so we decided to spend the night in Manila.
Lito knew a cheap hotel, but he got swayed by a taxi driver to take one nearer to where he wanted to go.
I had figured that as Lito was a Philippino my days of getting shafted were over, well at least for this visit, and that we would get everything at local prices.
Ten dollars a day is a respectable wage, so I figured for a fifty dollar a day budget we would live like kings.......

We were not in the taxi long and we pulled up to the RAF hotel. I knew never ever to trust anywhere a taxi driver tells you, but I was going with the flow guessing Lito knew what he was doing.

We pulled up and he asked for the equivalent of 8 quid.

Eh?

I would not be charged that much in England, surely it should be about fifty pence.

Nope. Fleeced within seconds.

We walked in to the hotel excitedly followed by the taxi man and straight away they asked me to check in. My back was well and truly up.

Whoa whoa.

How much is the room and I want to see the room first.

SIXTY DOLLARS!.?
How much?
For this s***hole. You have got to be kidding.

Lito was clearly upset as well.
We should have stuck to the original plan, but it was too late now.

So we checked in and decided to go for a beer.

We got approached by a tout from one of the bars/clubs that were nearbye and checked the price for a beer. He said it was 75 pesos in his club.

Once again my rip off radar was going red alert but Lito said it would be ok and in we went.
Another dive.

There was a girl supposed to be doing a sexy dance on the stage.

Not that I can dance but I reckon I could have looked more appealing in a pair of tiger print Speedos with my socks on.

My rip off radar went nuclear when the manager and manageress came over to say hello and shake my hand.

Surprise surprise, next minute I was surrounded by 15 girls.

Now as a teenager this was the sort of stuff dreams are made of, but trust me they were not all kate moss and lucy liu lookalikes. Plus it was more of a Japanese style karaoke bar where you pay the girls to talk to you.

If I need someone to talk to I will buy a dog, I am certainly not paying to talk to a woman.
So I was not interested one little bit.

We just want a beer I said starting to get angry and avoiding eye contact with any of them.

No, look look meester, which one you like?

Sorry, but maybe later I said trying to smile and diffuse the situation without getting in to an argument.
So the girls went away and I said to Lito lets drink up and get out sharp before we get conned. I really hated the place.

Next minute miss sexy dancy girl came and straddled me followed by a man bringing her a drink.
I knew what the score was, they would try to charge me for talking to her, and her drink would be a fortune.

I pushed the girl away and said we were going.
Why you dont like the lady the management came over and gave me the third degree.
They were clearly not happy.

Then surprise surprise came the bill.....

Drinks 150
Table charge 700
Girl drink 500.

I went mad and started shouting at the manageress.

I am not paying I said as I walked towards the door.

Not surprisingly lots of men started to appear near the door.
Lito pulled me back and said we have to wait for the manager as a table charge was normal. You could have told me that before we came in I told him.

I was angry because I had seen it coming from the second we left the street.
We have to pay a table charge Lito told me, this is normal.

So I gave them 500 and said they were not getting anymore. We were in front of the other guests so I figured I was either going to get away with it or Get bundled in to a back room for "further negotiations".

Luckily he accepted and off we stormed.
We are only talking about a difference of 20 quid, but it was the principle.
This had been a nightmare from the second I hit the ground. I have had six weeks of this s***, I was hoping for a break.

Welcome to the Philippines!!

Poor old Lito was really embarrassed, but it was not his fault.

I was in a foul mood so we just got some drinks to take back to the hotel.
They do a gin that is 80% proof and only costs 50p for half a litre, so I decided to try it out.
It was a bit like the moonshine we used to drink in Saudi, rough as a Bear's arse, but ok with lots of lemonade.

I do not remember much after drinking a few glasses and relecting on how crap the room was that but I do remember it was a late night.
Next day Lito was shouting me at half six to get up.

Are you mad I slurred at him.
No it is late.

Eh?

Yes everyday I am up at 5 o clock Lito told me as he was skipping around.
We have a big day today he told me.

I decided I did not like him anymore and put the pillow on my head.

Breakfast was included in our VIP package but only for one person.

Another argument later about me paying for a twin room and only getting one breakfast voucher and we end up with one breakfast voucher in the restaurant next door.

You could chose rice rice or rice, so I chose rice.

Eight hours and what felt like 15 miles later we had done Manila to death. I was in absolute agony and my flip flops had rubbed some skin off my already knackered feet a treat.

Lito told me about a local speciality called Sissi which is basically all parts of a pig head, including the brains and some guts all chopped up.
When In Rome I thought........
What I had not planned for was the raw egg that came with it.
So I shut my eyes and took a scoop.

Chewy, I said.

That will be the ears, Lito informed me.

It actually tastes alot better than it sounds, but let me tell you pigs ears are like chewing wine gums. Pink wine gums with a little bit of hair on.

We had originally planned to stay another night and go out with his brother, but we managed to miss his brother so decided to get the bus back to where he lived which was about two hours.
As we waited for the bus I saw a shop so hobbled off to get some beers for the long bus journey.

As I hobbled back Lito had told me the bus had came while I was in the shop and that it might have been the last one, so we will now have to take a bus to his parents house and stay there the night.

It was a gradual reduction in the size of transport as we headed along. We went from coach to minibus to motorbike with sidecar where the sidecar is designed for midgets.
Now as you know I am not the tallest of men back in the UK, but in the Phillipines I am like a giant. It was a nice feeling being the tallest bloke on the bus, so I enjoyed it while it lasted.

We arrived around midnight in a really quiet fishing village with hardly any street lights and went for a burger in the local takeaway called Angel Burger.
I got 2 burgers for 33p.

Now we are talking.
Finally some prices in line with what I had expected, surely now things will get better.....