Colombia:

So, another 22 hour bus ride across the border to Colombia.

There is only one bus that goes every other day at 10 pm, so it is either that or get a local bus to the border, cross the border on your own and then get another bus the other side.

This would have worked out about 20 quid cheaper, but I was done with all the stress of border crossings, plus it is a dangerous border.

Overnight buses are also a bit ropey as there are also many armed robberies where they hold up the bus, but I figured it would make a good storey for the blog if it happened.

I got to the bus depot in plenty of time and was sat next to a guy from New Zealand and we had a good old natter about our worse bus trip stories.

We were supposed to leave at ten but at eleven we were almost the only people on the bus. Brilliant we thought, we can spread out. The seats were not horrific, but they were pretty tight, even for a short arse like me. So I jumped in to the seat In front and spread out with a smug grin.

We finally set off and then half an hour later stopped at what we thought was another depot on the other side of town. Funny how it looks identical to the one we got on at.

Yes that is because it was were we had got on earlier. Next thing the doors bust open and it is gypsy bus number 2. Screaming kids, parents with more bags than they can carry, chaos over seats, elbows everywhere.

Bang went my big seat as the bus filled up.

Two of the kids looked like right little s***s, and three guesses where they sat...right behind us.

Kicking and pulling the seats, jumping up and down and screaming. I turned to say something to the father, and then realised he looked like one of the Triad warlords off a Jackie chan film. His muscles were trying to rip through his t shirt as he glared at me.....i decided I wanted to keep all my fingers, so just smiled at him.

If I had a bag of Wurthers originals he would have been offered one.

The kicking and the screaming carried on until well after midnight, but not that sleep mattered as we hit the border at 4am.

It was truly as scary as people had said. As soon as we got off a pack of wild dogs ran wild around us and then decided to attack another dog just in front of us and rip it to pieces.

The yelping was horrendous.

We had to get stamped out of Ecuador and then walk up the dimly lit street to Columbia, past the same pack of dogs and the dodgy men on the street.

Bang Bang I was in Columbia.

First stop in Colombia was a petrol station that was heavily guarded with armed police. A petrol station?

We eventually made it to Cali by about 6pm so I booked my bus for the day after to Medellin and I jumped in a little taxi to the hostel.

A nice friendly place only a block away from a park called the dog park that had plenty of restaurants around it, so i treated myself to a slap up steak and a beer for a very pricey tenner.

Next day I caught the metro bus in to the town centre and after a couple of blocks I was done. The place scared me. Even the touristy bits scared me. The hostel had given me a map that was marked red amber and green areas. Whatever you do, don't go to the red areas it said. I had strayed in to a couple of amber bits but decided even the green was no go.

I walked down through an open market and was conscious I had my bag on me. I got half way towards the station and realised a dodgy looking bloke kept looking at me and looking at my bag and seemed to be following me across to my side.

The area was rough as hell and I did not know wether to double back or keep going.

Having watched all the movies I waited for a bus to come and ran across right in front of it and then shot down the other side. Jason Bourne would have been proud of me.

I was so glad to make it back to the hostel.

My bus was again an overnight bus leaving at half nine. Again not very VIP and once again I got the nutter sat next to me. He was about six foot six and looked like a serial killer. Even worse he played music non stop and sang out loud to it as he hit his knuckles to the beat against the window and rocked his head like he was in a mosh pit.

I tried to drown him out by watching a series of the apprentice and by about midnight he had mellowed out.

Just as I got to sleep around 2am the bus pulled up at a services and everyone ran off for coffee.

Off we went again, and then at 5 am we arrived. Everyone off!

I had been told we arrived at 7am. I was done with buses I had decided.

It had stopped at the old airport which has a huge shopping centre so I managed to get a coffee to try to keep me awake.

There was a tube stop not to far away, so I walked the few blocks and headed to the hostel.

The tube was very modern and felt safe, and first impressions were it was a nice city surrounded by the hills.

The area where the hostel was looked quite nice, and the hostel was really nice.

I was not expecting to be able to check in as it was only 7 am but the girl on the desk said there was only one other person in my room and he always got up really early.

Bonus.

As i opened the door I was greated by a pleasant looking fat version of Peter Stringfellow.

Hey, good to meet you, I am Bill from the USA.............

Bonus gone.

Do you know what I love about this country? He asked me jumping straight in after the pleasantrys....

It makes me appreciate that the USA really is the greatest country in the world. We have the highest standard of living across the most amount of people anywhere in the world. I own a couple of places here, one of them is making me 11%......

Of course here is only temporary while I am transferring money around.

Hey, do you want to get some breakfast?

What little life I had left in me i felt drain away.

I apologised that I needed to shower and sleep, and ran off to the bathroom to slit my wrists. Luckily he was gone by the time I got back.

I had heard so many great stories about Medellin, everyone I had met said how much they loved it, so I had been really looking forward to going.

I got a tourist map and headed on the metro in to town and got off next to what is allegedly the Cathedral built with the most bricks in the world, so it must be pretty impressive I thought.

As I got off the tube I was stopped in my tracks by all the dodgy people and how rough the area was. The cathedral was a couple blocks north and I noticed the street ahead had a police road block across.

Aha that will be for the touristy bit as I walked through the barricade. Then as I got to no mans land in the middle it was like a scene from miami vice.....hookers, drunks, people passed out on the floor, smackheads.

I walked in the middle of the street and started walking quickly to the next barricade.

The road block must be to keep them in I thought.

At the cathedral it was no better. I was terrified. I decided better the devil you know and shot back the way I came. Only this time people started staring at me and walking out in to the middle of the road as well.

Talk about running the gauntlet.

I jumped back on the tube and went to the next stop where you could see the tourist square right next to the station.

Surely this will be better I thought.......

Nope.

Just as I walked past a crowd around a street seller, the seller started a fight with another seller. Everyone started shouting and I could see the Police signalling to each other.

I was getting ready for the gunshots as I headed back to the tube once more.

That was me and town done. Only one thing left to do and that as the cable cars up in to the hills.

The first station was the area famous for drugs and related to Pablo Escobar which was now supposed to be a really safe tourist area. Nope, felt as bad as the rest.

Next was a 20 minute ride high across the hills that basically takes you to a touristy nature reserve that is another trip inside.

I had lost all enthusiasm and just headed back to the hostel.

Unfortunately Medellin had not been as I had imagined, so I put my energy in to getting to Cartagena.....

I had first seen all about Cartagena on the 80's movie Romancing The stone, with Michael Douglas, so was excited to be able to see the places from the movie........

The bus was 13 hours. I could not face any more buses and thought after Cartagena i am done with south america. The flights were not much more expensive, so I just booked a flight, and loved every second of the one hour flight.

Ten minutes after getting my bag I was at my hostel. Job done.

Boy could you tell you were in the tropics, it was hot and humid as hell.

As I checked in I was asked if I knew the room I had booked had no air con..........

You are kidding. I want aircon.

Turns out the air con rooms were all booked up, but I could have one the next day.

Oh well, it's only one night....how bad could it be???

Horrific, that is how bad it was. Someone in the room had really smelly feet and I was next to a big hole in the wall that the mosquitos must treat as a cat flap and came and bit me to death.

Good morning Andrew, the receptionist beemed at me as she made me a coffee. Did you sleep well?

I growled in to my coffee.

Roll on Vegas, I thought.

The town was absolutely stunning, one of the nicest old towns I had been in.

Shame about all the tourists. The touts I think even outnumbered the tourists.

I had an over priced beer in super tourist square and lost count of how many times I got approached.

I even got an attempt by the people playing guitars.,,,,,

Are you stupid? No chica, I told them. Solo.

They just carried on smiling and playing. I was starting to lose my rag and left.

It's a small old town and you can walk all the way round in a couple of hours.

Funny, I thought, I did not recognise anything from the movie. So when I got back I looked online and guess what?

Due to all the violence in the 80's in Colombia with the drug wars, they filmed the movie in Mexico!

I have been cheated ! 29 years of waiting only to have been deceived, haha.

I was not so bothered as the town was so nice.

There is a nice beach near by called Playa Blanca so decided to go and also booked at the hostel as once again I just did not have the energy to go and book it down the harbour etc etc even though it would be cheaper.

Just as well as the harbour was chaos. I struggled to understand anyone, but with a great deal of pointing I got on the right boat.

The captains assistant looked like the Bad man with the hook for a hand off the Bond Movie, live and let Die. Only bigger and more scarier. He never spoke, just looked out to sea.

We pulled up at a beach and the captain announced a long announcement in Spanish, but only a few people got off and we reversed back out to sea.

I asked him if he spoke English and he said no, but I nice woman sat opposite said she did and would help.

When do we get to Playa Blanca I asked?

That was it, she said. We are going to the Aquarium now and coming back later.

No!!!! I should have got off, I don't want to go to a bloody aquarium, I need to go to the beach to get a tan so I can look more tanned than John McGarry when I see him in Vegas........

It was too late to turn back,,, just great.

Luckily where the aquarium was, was a few stalls outside, so I decided to just get some beers til it was time to leave.

I had heard we were leaving at 1, so at 12.45 I was well in to my third beer hiding away at the back of the outside area when I noticed a big shadow next to me.

It was The scary man off the boat.

Vamos vamos he shouted at me.

Eh? I thought we had another 15 minutes....

I did not stay to argue and ran to where he pointed the boat was.

Everyone was sat waiting for me. Turns out we should have left at half 12 and he had been looking for me for ten minutes....oops.

So by the time we got back to the beach and had our crappy touristy lunch of rice and more rice, there was only an hour before we had to leave again, and it had started to get cloudy.

Brilliant, so much for my day at the beach.

I had an hour of being approached by touts and screaming kids kicking sand all over me, but at least the clouds stayed away.

As we were sat on the boat waiting to leave, the captain shouted something and everyone laughed and pointed at me.

I looked at my friendly translator, and asked what had just been said.

She laughed and said he asked "where is the gringo?". He was worried you had gone missing again.

Haha.

So a nice few relaxing days, but it was time for my South American tour to come to an end. Mother will be pleased.

Next stop......the Bellagio, Vegas!!