Mel-bon Right from the get-go, I had a good feeling about this town. I bought a pizza and the guy who owned the joint only asked me for money 'near enough' to the listed price. Sure, he coveted my coins for the next day's float, but I ate heartily for $3 less. You can't argue with that math(s). My second day was the Melbourne Cup, a horse race so huge that Melbournians get a public holiday and the whole country grinds to a halt. My first task was to find a book...

Groovy Gang It was with a drowsy head and laden pack that I said goodbye to my Aunts and Uncle in Adelaide as I ventured towards Melbourne on a 3-day tour of the Grampians and the Great Ocean Road. I organised the tour with Groovy Grape, which, for me at least, conjours up images of that episode of Only Fools and Horses where Rodney is indoctrinated into the 'Groovy Gang' as he pretends to be 15 to go on a prize holiday. Any mention of shouting 'Groovy' and I'm...

The Hills Have Eyes It never used to be such a hard decision, choosing shampoo. For years I grabbed whatever was on special offer – maybe something medicated to fight dandruff – and hurried along to the Oopsies counter to buy my weekly provisions. But now I find myself scouring the shelves for something that will thicken and add volume to my fading follicles. A root booster for the brown smoke. I knew I should have bought that Jackie Chan hairloss gunk when ...

Back in Black I have 30 minutes before I pay another buck for use of this internet. Time starts now. So, just been exploring Adelaide over the past few days. It's a nice, quiet town as I've said before. People are bronzed and friendly (far more enthusiastic than your average person in the UK). Half the population comprises Indian and Chinese people, which is proving for me a familiar introduction to Australia. Luckily I can understand the local dialect because ...

G'Evening The first thing that strikes you when you arrive in Australia is the amount of stuff you have to declare. In fact, I'd venture to say that more than a few gay people have come out of the closet whilst declaring all to Aussie immigration. As a result most people end up queuing to x-ray their bags or have Customs Officers take a peak and a poke. Passing straight through looks far too suspicious and you're probably more likely to feel the tickle of the ru...