Tuesday 12th May - started my 9 day 'Cloud 9' tour with Adventure tours. Picked up from Alice Springs early morning and first stop was a camel farm where I got to ride a camel. It was quite terrifying as the camel rose from its knees, as its really tall and I felt like I was going to fall off face first. When we got going the guy said to let go and just move your hips with the camel, and it works, it was a really easy ride, then he said to hold on tight as he raced the camels down, and my god my arse got a wake up call!! Then we went to Kata Tjuta which are amazing, walked around the rock formations, and their dead impressive from afar. Then gathered some firewood for camp, and pitched up at our site, dumped our stuff and headed to Uluru for sunset. This was so surreal, it looked like something from space had been put there, but no photos will ever do it justice, I was covered in goosebumps - its spectacular, absolutely beautiful beyond words. We had champagne and nibbles as we watched the sunset, and it goes through all different stages of the colour orange. Afterwards we went back to camp for dinner, and sat drinking round the fire, then we slept in our swags. The temperature really drops at night and its freezing, but its warmer to sleep in the swags outside than in the permanent tents. The swags are great, you open up the canvas zip and theres a mattress in there, then you put your sleeping bag in and snuggle down for the night round the fire, and the sky was full of stars, it was so pretty. Really comfy nights sleep, and in the morning we were up at 4.30am to get ready to go back to Uluru for sunrise. Freezing beyond words, but got to Uluru when still dark and started the 10km walk round the base which took 2 hours, and we got to the sunrise viewing place and watched the rock go through all oranges close up as the sun came up. Again, I was covered in goosebumps. We then went to the culteral centre to learn about how Aborigines lived there and performed their ritual ceremonies. Then got to camp at Kings Canyon and stayed up playing more games round the fire before bunking down for the night.

Thursday 14th May - Up early and off to Kings Canyon to do a 6km trek. The first stage was climbing up a really steep hill which they call 'Heart Attack Hill' - the name is spot on. We almost died, but was plain sailing after that, trekking all across the top of the canyon. Parts of the film 'Priscilla Queen of the Dessert' were filmed there, and we were at the rock place where Terence Stamp quotes "All we need now is another c*** in a frock on a rock" - awesome line. (God I love Terence Stamp). We learnt all about the formations of the Canyon, Kata Tjuta and Uluru. After lunch headed back to Alice Springs (NO, NOT ALICE!!!!!).

Friday 15th - early start again, got picked up and had 2 new guides, and first stop was Ti Tree to refuel, then Barrow Creek. We made a lot of stops at outback roadhouses, and was proper aussie style rough, guys swaggering in with cowboy hats, sweaty shirts, dogs in their utes. Fabulous. The pub in Barrow creek was a proper outback pub, and the walls were covered in money from every country in the world. This started in the 1960's where a guy was travelling through to Darwin, and decided to write his name on a wad of notes and pin them to the pub wall so he would have money for beer on his way back through, and the trend caught on. Our guide Kenny then started telling us about the murder case of British Peter Falcania who was travelling with his girlfriend Joanna Lees in 1998. They had made their last fuel stop at Barrow Creek where we were, then headed up to Darwin on the Stuart Highway where we were, then when Peter got shot, Joanna hid in the bush by the road, so Kenny showed us where she went, and when she was rescued she went to the Police in Ti Tree which was our first stop. Its really quite eerie when you see the same places. We then stopped at Devils Marbles - impressive rock formations, then camped at Banka Banka for the night. This used to be a working cattle station, so after a B-B-Q dinner, we went to watch a slideshow about how cattle stations work, and it was actually really interesting and hilarious commentary. We could then have a go at using water detector sticks, they are 2 metal rods and you hold them out straight in front of you and walk slowly along, and when you hit a place where theres water the rods cross over. It does work! Then we had a go at cracking the whip. Now I could lash the ground really hard, but could not get the crack, so it is with great sadness and regret that I realise I will never make a career out of being a dominatrix. Miss Anouska Whiplash will never be. I know, its a great shame and a huge deprivation to society. I apologise. We went to our campfire and listened to music whilst toasting marshmallows before bed. We were on a big site with kangaroos hopping around at the back of the kitchen and chickens in the yard. Next day headed off, mainly lots of driving heading up to Darwin, but stopped off at Dunmarra where there were black headed pythons in the roadhouse and blue tongued lizards, and we could handle them. There are loads of road trains on the road, some as long as 50m constantly going up and down the highway - a very Aussie icon thing. Went to Daly Waters pub - the quirky and odd outback pub, so had an australian beer in the garden and chilled out over lunch before playing 10 pin bowling in the dirt road outside. There was an old local guy who made wood signs and he sang us a song about poo. Seriously, - poo. He had a wooden house on his head, and when asked why his reply was so he could always feel at home, which I though was hilarious. Headed to our camp at Katherine after dark, and Kenny our guide got his guitar out around the fire, so ended in a sing song sesh. Also when out driving saw a massive herd of Buffalo by a watering hole. Was disappointed when Hugh Jackman failed to appear on horseback to muster them. Damn it.

Sunday 17th - took an early morning 2 hour cruise along Katherine gorge which was stunning, amazing scenery. Brekkie was provided and we cruised up the first 2 gorges and saw crocodile tracks on the sand where they were nesting. There were also a few traps as the wet season has just ended, so there are still quite a few crocs around. Went to Edith Falls, then Adelaide River where they have Billy the Buffalo from 'Crocodile Dundee' stuffed in there. They had to shorten his legs to fit him through the doors though. He's the buffalo who Paul Hogan mesmerizes into sitting down all passive. Got to Darwin and a group of us went to the night Mindil Beach markets which were packed, and we saw an awesome show of 2 guys, one on drums the other on didgeridoo, they were called Emdee, and they played dancy, drum and bass with the didgeridoo. was so cool.

Monday 18th - Next stop of tour with new guide Bryce, the best one of the lot. We travelled in a 4WD for the whole 3 days. Started in Litchfield National Park at Florence Falls, where we went for a swim under the waterfall, then Buley Pools which were several rock pools which we swam in. After lunch went to Mary River and had a 2 hour crocodile cruise where we saw tons of freshies and salties, the largest 5 metres. They were basking on the banks, and we got so close, and they are unbelievably fast running into the water, you would not stand a chance if they went for you. They are fantastic creatures though, so fascinating. Settled back at camp and went to the bar.

Tuesday 19th may - Went to Kakadu National Park and went to Ubirr and saw some Aboriginal rock art, then walked to a lookout over the forests, floodplains and rocks. Theres some rocks where Paul Hogan stood in 'Crocodile Dundee' swinging the rope to make a 'telephone call'. Camped at Jaburu and could hear the dingoes howling at night which was great, they sound just like wolves. Next day we went to the Jim Jim falls, hiked down to the bottom which was death defying over the rocks, but the guys helped us out and saved me from breaking my neck. It was definately worth it, we got to swim under the beautiful waterfalls and bask on the rocks. There was a python curled up on the rocks by the falls right by us, but it didn't care about us. We chilled there for a couple of hours then it was the home stretch back to Darwin. The group all met up for dinner and drinks in the evening at 'The Vic', and we had a great night dancing away. Was really quite sad saying goodbye to everyone at the end as it was like a little family. Great trip though.

Saturday 23rd may - been in Darwin a couple of days and the heat is sweltering. At least I've got away from the flies in Alice Springs, but now there are loads of mozzies. I resemble a lepper after being eaten alive on tour, even though I sprayed liberal amounts of 100% DEET repellent on, and that stuff is like paint stripper so god knows what it does to the skin - obviously the mozzies don't care. Can't stop scratching, I know its bad but god it feels good to scratch them. Anyway, met up with scouse Paul from Melbourne as he's been in Darwin for 2 weeks waiting for me to get here, so we hit the beach markets again with Nicky and Narmin from the tour. Its the best market I've ever been to, there are tons of stalls selling jewellery, crystals, didjeridos, trinkets, massages, the lot. There are bouncy castles and slides for the kids, loads of food and juice stalls, the didgerido guys were there again playing, and there are several bands scattered about playing, its like a mini festival and it gets rammed. Next day me and Paul went to the harbour and the museum. Part of it is about cyclone tracy which completely demolished Darwin on Christmas day 1974, and 66 people were killed. There was a video of the aftermath, and a sound booth with the actual noise captured on tape by a resident. My god it would have been terrifying. Also looked at some of the creepy crawlies, and I'm lucky enough not to have seen huge spiders in real life. I had the thought that when I got here I would constantly be checking under the loo seat and the corners of the room - not once. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and the way forward, as looking at the ones in the museum, these babies have arses the size of Jennifer Lopez's - HUGE!!! There was also a 5.1 metre saltwater crocodile called Sweetheart there. He went about in the 1970's attacking boats in Darwin at regular rates, but its thought that the noise of the boats imitates another males noises, so he was defending his territory. Well these 'so called' rescuers came along to relocate him to another place, and after capturing him they completely messed up the sedation, Sweetheart got trapped under a log and drowned. Mission successful then. There was a video of this happening and the guy said that the stress of the reloaction move would have probably killed him in a week anyway. YEAH RIGHT!!! Talk about a lame arse excuse trying to cover his back. He may well have just said "Yeah look guys, we totally cocked up, we're so totally incompetent arses that we murdered the croc because we had no idea what we were doing, but hey, s*** happens, and at least you guys get to see him all nicely stuffed and on display in the museum now. Its a win win situation". Er, no. I doubt very much poor Sweetheart envisioned his life ending up as a stuffed museum display. Poor Little b****** (okay, not so little at 5m) was just minding his own business when these morons came along and drowned him - with the 'best intentions' of course (ahem), but if the idiot guy thought the 'stress' would kill him anyway - WHY DO IT!!!?????? RIP Sweetheart. God love you, and you are extremely impressive in all your stuffed glory. Wandered along the beach afterwards dying in the heat, and then went to book our Greyhound bus to the next stop of Kununarra (I am never going to get to grips with the pronounciation of this place). The guy serving was funny, and he said as he's on his own all day he has to find ways to entertain himself, so when a group of Japanese went in booking the bus to Kununarra, he said they could not get on the bus until they could pronounce the name to him. Ha ha ha ha, the Japanese trying to say those letters! Classic. The guy said they all stood meekly looking at the floor and nudged each other until one of them tried it, and said "C-c-c-ooar...." and the guy told them they couldn't get on the bus. Apparantly they looked really forlorn and sad and kept trying to no avail, until he burst out laughing and told them he was joking, to which they breathed a huge sigh of relief and said "aaaah, fank oo, fank oo fery much!". Bless their little cotton socks, that must have been bloody hilarious.