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So this blog I think will contain quite a bit about my emotions and state of mind, but also about some stuff I've been up to and the challenges I've been facing.
Going back a couple of weeks now, so the beginning of May, we had a bank holiday on the 1st, which was a Thursday. The Wednesday night after the Bible study, there was a girl's sleep over in the house/ office, as no-one had to work the following day. I stayed and had a very mixed experience. It was really good to spend time with the girls, get to see them interact more and get to know them a bit more. However, at the same time I struggled to understand a lot of what was being said and felt very segregated. Megan was there, who also is a Latin Link missionary, and she offered to translate some stuff, but by that point I had switched off, so kind of detached myself to. I felt disheartened that I was in this position and after I'd gone to try and sleep, had a bit of a cry and a questioning session with God, once again about why I was here. Even though I didn't feel that I received any answers, I felt comforted by God in this situation, but still felt a confidence knock and the next day despite being tired did have a chat with one of the girls (Laura) and I just explained how I was feeling. She was really sympathetic and she is now becoming someone I feel could be a good friend.
My confidence was restored over the next couple of days and I helped a couple of final year university students with their thesis. They are researching language students in their university, so those learning languages, and wanted a native English speaker to have a chat with the students. I met with them and ended up chatting with about 15 students in English for about 45 minute. We had some good conversation about the differences between Colombia and England (family, Christian culture, etc) and they seemed to find it really interesting. I asked them if any of them lived away from home or wanted to. A few of them said they wanted to live away from home, but due to culture and money it wasn't possible. I also asked if any of them helped within the home, and I think 4 said yes, but it was only because they didn't have a choice. One girl spoke up and said that in all honesty, they were spoilt. They don't need to do anything in their homes, their mum will cook, clean, etc and she admitted that she doesn't do anything to help because she is not expected to. This will continue until they marry and move out and then they just need to learn how to do things the hard way! With the Christian cultural differences, they were interested to know that it is more liberal in England in that it's not uncommon for Christians to go to bars and clubs and drink, (but depending on the person, not always get drunk). They asked me which country I thought was better, which was a tough question to answer. I said there were good things and bad things about each country, but I didn't think that one was better than the other (which is true). One thing that does annoy me here though is the disrespect from men towards women. I experience, on a regular basis, men sucking their teeth at me, saying things, beeping horns, etc and I hate it. This is something that rarely happens in England and it certainly makes me appreciate the fact that men in England, on the whole, don't see women as objects to be leered over. After we had spoken in English, the students then wanted to hear my voice in Spanish, so we then had a bit of a question and answer session (them asking me questions) in Spanish. They understood me and I understood their questions, so this restored my confidence in my Spanish ability. After all of this I then went and had lunch with the two students doing their thesis and the teacher, which again was good Spanish practice.
So what else have I been doing…I taught a friend the piano a little bit, which was fun, as I got to be the one correcting him at something rather than him correcting my Spanish all the time! We had the missions group from the family's church at the house for a chat and so had some chats with them and got some compliments on my language to. It was good to learn a bit more about the church with regards to missions and they asked me a bit about how my year is being funded. When I said that I had received an incredible amount from my church the pastor was really surprised, and I got the feeling that their church as a whole aren't that supportive of funding missionaries. It is something I want to talk more to Fabio and Legia about to understand more. I've been to two surprise house parties; one for Jennifer (a Latin Link Missionary) and one for Angelica (comes to the UCU Bible study and is in my English class). Both were great. The one for Jennifer included Scottish dancing and Colombian dancing and the one for Angelica included poker using Lentils as money and dancing. Both had cake and other bits of food and neither had alcohol. One thing I do love is that everyone has fun without the alcohol, but it is still a bit strange for me (despite not drinking at all in 2013) that there is no alcohol. Anyway these parties gave me great opportunities to speak Spanish, bond with people I work with and just simply have fun.
I also spoke at a conference about my experiences working with violent offenders and with restorative justice. My talk was more about the motives behind violent behaviour, different types of violence (physical, financial, emotional and sexual) and who violence is aimed towards. I spoke in Spanish, and had written the presentation, but had lots of help with corrections. It was a good experience to do and I felt quite happy speaking with my presentation in front of me! I had good feedback from the UCU team about my pronunciation, and will be doing a similar thing again on the 21st May.
I've been to a dance academy a couple of times now and managed to find my way last Thursday. They have a class at 5pm- 6.30pm and another at 7pm-8.30pm so I stayed for both. It's good exercise, hard work and good fun, with the warm up being street style dancing and the main bit being Salsa (normally). This time for the second lesson there were a lot of people who were new and believe it or not, couldn't dance (yes there are a lot of Colombians who cannot dance). So the instructor asked his girlfriend (both are in the group of competition dancers) to give me and another lady a different routine, which was more challenging. This was great to be tested more and learn some new steps. The only thing lacking was a personality in the girlfriend and a sense of enjoyment from her to. I've never seen an individual make it so clear that they didn't actually want to do what they had been asked or help others learn! It's so weird, as the boyfriend is lovely. Anyway I still had fun and certainly felt the 3 hours of dancing the next day!
I have also had the privilege of spending time with Juan (the 22 year old son) and we went to a place part of the way up the mountains where you can see all of Bogota. We went at night and so you could see all the city lights which were beautiful. We had a really good chat about so many things in his life and in mine, and I really do feel that if there one person God is calling me to minister to, it is him. He isn't going to church and has had a bad experience of Christians in the church previously where he was judged and dictated to. I spoke to him about how the church should be, but agreed with him that sadly there are Christians who are the worst judges. I think having me acknowledge what he said helped him to feel he can open up to me. I did invite him to my church (I am now going to a different church that has the sermon translated into English) and he said thanks and gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. I really feel he is searching and is longing for something, but due to his previous experiences doesn't want to get hurt again. He told me more about his past and I got to share about mine to, which I think shocked him a bit, but also helped him see that my life now is completely different to how it used to be.
Finally in the 'what has been going on thing wise', the grandad in the house had a knee operation to replace the knee cap with a titanium plate. Nothing out of the ordinary except that when he returned to the house two days later, with him came a load of injections that he needs for the pain. They were to be administered by the family, who have no experience of how to do this! I was asked ad promptly told them I had no idea how to administer an injection, so after a quick Google search, Fabio did the first one ad has been doing them since! I'm pretty sure this would never happen in England, but please correct me if I'm wrong.
Okay so now to more emotions. Over the past week I've been feeling really homesick and have really questioned why I'm here and whether I can stick it out for another 8 months. There is no one set thing that I'm finding hard, which makes it difficult to try and 'resolve'. It's a mix of the family culture, the Christian culture, the language and a bit the weather (everyone loves a good moan about the weather!). I'm struggling not having much time alone or with quiet; it's frustrating getting woken up by the family early in the morning who seem to forget that I'm here and only have a curtain to block out the noise; it's hard having to say 4-5 times where I'm going, who I'm seeing and when I might be back; it's hard not being able to decide what I eat; I miss having a good old rave with my friends; miss having them for dinner to share wine, miss just going to the pub for a natter and a pint; miss being able to really communicate and most of all I miss knowing what the weather is going to do! The only way that I can describe it is feeling trapped in a culture that isn't my own and in parts struggle to accept. Perhaps this is a lesson for the future. Okay so rant over, but I think this gives you the picture a bit.
I've been battling with God a lot and as I write this am still unsure whether I want to be here. I'm not a quitter in general, but I know that I have nothing to prove. I spoke to my Auntie and my mum yesterday (Sunday) on Skype before I went to church and my mum asked me "What are the positives?" My reply "I don't have any". This is not an exaggeration, or an attempt to get people to feel for me, this is how I'm feeling. I feel like I'm going through the motions or daily living, but I don't have that sense of enjoyment or willing in my heart. I know that we can't always enjoy things in life and being a missionary has it's challenges and I know that I have and am continuing to learn more about God through all of this, but it's hard and I'm impatient. I seem to have this constant reminder in my heart that I'm not in England, I'm not with my family, my friends or my church, it's like a dull ache. If I didn't have God I would not be here, because He is my source of comfort and not forgetting the reason I am here. My auntie advised me to ask God to provide me with the things I thought I needed. Not really knowing what I needed I asked God to just provide me with what He knew I needed, whilst I was cycling to church, and afterwards when I was just having a cycle to have time out. Later on after lunch I had a phone call from Laura (mentioned earlier) asking if I was busy (as it happens I was then with the family), as they were doing some stuff and wanted to invite me. This made me feel more comforted, as I felt that people wanted to spend time with me. Later on still I had another phone call from a girl called Erika, who goes to the UCU Bible study to. She asked if I wanted to take coffee, so I said yes, as she lives really close. I met with her and her boyfriend and we spoke about mission stuff, as he wants to be a missionary in England, if God wills it. It was a really positive experience and it was another reminder that God does know what we need and I am making friends. Last night I read in my daily reading book, Matthew 6:26-28, which basically talks about God providing. It says that if He provides for the birds, how much more will He provide for us. For me it was a good reminder and affirmation that no matter what I think I need, God knows better and will give me whatever 'it' is.
So I still feel that I have a long way to go, and I'm still not sure that I want to be here, but with God being my guide and my comfort I'm sure I'll get through all these challenges.
One random this I want to say is that in the church on Sunday the Pastor really highlighted that with the upcoming presidential elections, he doesn't want any discrimination within the church. He said everyone has a right to choose who they want to vote for and he didn't want any conflict due to political choices. I liked what he said, although it is a shame he had to say it, and just reminded me how easily we can judge one another on the choices we make, but that we have no right to do so.
Work is going well and I now have two English classes to teach, a Bible study group I go to with students and I'm in the office 3 days a week. I might be taking on a bit of a counsellor/ advisory role for a couple of people and hopefully will be able to encourage them. I'm having private Spanish classes now for 2 hours a week to learn the Subjunctive, which will improve my speaking and also my listening. I recognise that I do understand more especially one on one and have more confidence in my speaking to when I'm not in a group. I'm still getting to do my exercise so feel physically fit and enjoy having the time out to switch off.
Overall, things are tough, but I still have joy in my heart knowing that God is close by and He always will be no matter where I am. This is turning out to be a great opportunity to deepen my relationship with Him and really learn to be fully reliant on Him.
Prayers are always welcomed and hopefully the next time I write I'll have some more positives I my heart.
Love and hugs
Xxx
P.S. Sorry it was a long blog…again!
- comments
Steve Hey, great blog. Such strength riding out the challenges which seem to be weighing you down. I can only imagine what effect the isolation must have on all other aspects of daily life for you Esther. Just think how wonderful and fulfilling life will be when you have accomplished all that you can out there and you return home. Even the smallest things will jump out and greet you and amaze you, and remind you what a tough wrestle you had with your emotions all those miles away. From experience, once difficult times are behind you, the life, friends and family you return to, instantly become more precious and wonderful. And another thing (who's going on now?), think how well equipped you'll be to overcome challenges in the future. For me, I consider my life measured not in time or age, but what I have and haven't done. So wake up knowing that helping one person, for one moment with one small thing, outweighs any hardship, because one will be forgotten and one will not. Any way, respect to you Esther and if its any consolation it's raining here too!
Frederick Perhaps a bit late, but: I empathize with not knowing what one needs...or even what I want (plus: sometimes we get what we wanted AND asked for, and we end up not liking it :P)...so: Too many times it's just good to pray the classic "Thy Will be done" (preferably throwing your hands in the air and sighing at myself :D )... I probably pray it more than I should :P On "positives," I give you one I hope you can see: Your presence in the Bible study lightens things up a bit...at least for me. It could be the fact that some of my ancestors were English...or so we think...so there is some sort of "kinship" there. ALSO: You seem to always have a smile on your face...something that's very hard for me (to have on mine). I'm enjoying "catching up" on reading your blogs. So much of what you describe I also experienced, and sometimes still experience due to my "cultural mix," ...but I probably experienced it mostly in the U.S.. I hope some time you come to the group of professionals which meets not far from the UCU house, on Thursday nights. It's very good, too, and a bit smaller, so it might be easier to participate in conversation there (it just might...no promises). We usually have a good Bible study, and usually have conversation on current events and state of the culture, from the Christian point of view. ...Still so much easier to write online than chat in person...