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198 Days
I can't believe I've reached the end point in this life-changing travel adventure. Thinking back to the moment I started my adventure it seems like a lifetime ago. And I guess in some ways that is true. When I left for Africa I was in pain, heartbroken and struggling to get through each day. I had lost my compass, my confidence, my dreams and beliefs, and in many ways my happiness, by losing my mother. I didn't know how to be me without her. My future didn't go beyond the next day, and even that was too much to think of.
Today I am still heartbroken and in pain, as all my other days will be too. But every now and than, I can see past the pain, and I slowly start to imagine again, sometimes even dream again. (Please don't think the passing of time has anything to do with this. How easy would that be to just sit back and wait it out..)
But it is all because of my travelling. Saying it was simply about being away would not do justice to the continuous and endless stream of new, kind and inspiring friends, the breathtaking views and the random acts that made up my days. It was the travelling that made a change. A real change, a change I was desperately in need of and desperately looking for.
As I already mentioned when I returned from Africa, I realized I could BREATHE again, and in the past 198 days I felt ALIVE. Each and every day again. When I left the first time, I couldn't even imagine what it was I was looking for. I only realized it after I found it. So it was exactly that, what I was looking for again when I took off for Australia and Asia. Only I found so much more. I felt peace of mind, no more battles every day, knowing and feeling it could actually all be ok again. For always different, no escaping from that, but I could still be ok in that scenario. I felt I was ok again.
I still don't know how to be me without my mother, or which version of me that might be. I still strongly dislike being on my own, at all times of the day, but especially at night going to bed. I hate the quietness. Best way to phrase it is by a song: 'the quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth'. What a relief it was spending 197 nights in dorms crowded with (new) friends.
But I feel I am slowly taking control again. No longer is every day determined by my grief and no longer is it a matter of just getting through. And that is how travelling changed the way I felt.
And now we get to the trickiest part.. Because what is left of all of this if I am no longer travelling? If I am BACK again.
I know I can't keep travelling my whole life, it is not in my character as I do crave for a steady base and some structure in my life. But having to go back, makes me long for a way to be away. Being there where my mother was but never will be again, breaks my heart every day again. Though being somewhere 'new' doesn't make the pain or the remembering any less. But it seems like 'being away' is still something I need, if only to avoid so much more extra pain.
I am nervous and anxious, and I don't want to face those demons (yet). But I made my choice already before I left. I signed up for a 2 year Master study at the Erasmus university in Rotterdam, and as my mother always taught us, you don't quit something when you made the commitment. 'Wie A zegt moet ook B zeggen'. So I will try. I will do my best, as my mother also taught us you can never do more than your best. And I guess time will tell if this is enough for me to stay in Nl.
For now I am simply looking forward to hug my crazy niece and nephew, see the familiar faces of my friends, and eagerly wait for my sister to give birth to her third child and bring even more joy and beauty to this world. Baby steps :)
A big shout out to all of you that travelled with me, either in person, digitally, or mentally ;-) I enjoyed all of your messages, facebook comments, posts, e-mails and whatsapp messages. Wish you all only the best and much love. And maybe sometime, some day, anywhere, you take a second of your time to realize what a beautiful world we live in. Trust me, I've seen it ;-)
D
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