BLOG - NEW ZEALAND
CHRISTCHURCH - 24th mar to 29th mar
The Wizard, Dyslexia and Akaroa Dolphin Swimming…
Much to my surprise I was pulled aside and tested for any signs of handling explosives upon leaving Melbourne airport. Sensibly I'd avoided any C4 in recent weeks and was passed through fairly swiftly.
I landed in the land of the white cloud (named so by a tropical dwelling explorer who upon seeing NZ for the 1st time mistook the snow capped mountains as a cloud - what a MUG!) at just after 11pm and it
was very cold - 9 degrees!! The attire I was donning from Melbourne didn't quite do the job and I was soon testing the security at the other end by smuggling peanuts through Kiwi customs. Luckily they
failed to notice and I was passed through with no hesitation.

The city is tiny, the main part only a few streets in each direction. There is a good looking cathedral in the centre which I peeked inside and an Arts centre which used to be a university. It was where Ernest Rutherford (discoverer of the atom) studied and conducted much research in a basement under a lecture hall - very interesting. And one lecture room was still in original condition with student graffiti on the benches from before the 1900s! The highlight of the whole town for me was the dyslexia memorial. Thinking of Beak (for those of you who don’t know that’s my dyslexic, big nosed housemate), I spent some time there taking photos and looking for spelling errors on the plaques. It's dated as 1980 but no doubt it wasn't finished until the 90s once they had taken their 25% extra time. Well that was day one and I had seen everything there was to see! I was lucky enough to catch Christchurch's icon in full swing though - 'The Wizard.' This guy lectures crowds of passers-by in Cathedral Square dressed as a wizard and has been doing so since 1968 - the last time he worked! He harped on about all sorts including some controversial subjects in my opinion like no god, feminism, women shopping causing war and the orientation of the map! He basically wants the southern hemisphere to be on the top and NZ in the centre. He gave reasons why each country would vote for this orientation including India wanting to look like Mount Tehru (not a drip hanging from the rest of Asia) and South America wanting to be above North America. The last was that the sun actually moves around ‘inside’ the earth and not the
normally accepted theory that the earth orbits the sun. In summary he is a nutjob!

I got chatting to Kristen from Sweden and we took a trip to the Antarctic centre where we basically acted like 10year olds for a few hours, dressing up in costume gear and posed on ski-dos as well as experiencing an Antarctic storm - brrrr!! We even saw tiny blue penguins about 1 foot tall - comedy little fellas all saved from various injuries. They had Bagpipes who had broken a shoulder and knee bone and as such was very wobbly on his feet, CC who was blind in one eye after being hit by a boat and various other chaps with one fin or a broken foot etc...they had all been through the wars!
Next day I did a trip to Akaroa, a small French influence town on the banks peninsula. This was the 1st time I was out of the city and it was brilliant to see the scenery on the way to the coastal town - breathtaking. We even had an unexpected stop at a cheese factory! I went swimming with Hectors dolphins, only found in NZ and the smallest and rarest in the world. Well I say swim but when I
got in the water they were not very responsive and swam past a couple of times before swimming off to something more interesting. Even us making stupid high pitched noises through our snorkels didn't
work with them. Obviously my dolphin adapted squeaky version of 'One Arsene Wenger' wasn't to their taste – maybe they were scum supporters? Still it was great to see them and have them swim right next to me. On the downside despite wearing wetsuits it was, how can I say, f**king freezing!!! I couldn't feel my fingers or toes and all for a few ungrateful dolphins. I ate 'fish and chups' afterward saluting all the fisherman who put so many of the little sh1ts to their deaths.

KAIKOURA - 30th mar
Whale watching…
Kaikoura bay is a 1.6km deep trench in which Sperm Whales are seen pretty much every day of the year. There also occasional sighting of Humpbacks, Blue Whales and Orcas, plus a s***load of dolphins, seals and other sea dwelling creatures. We spent about 45mins moving a few hundred metres in random directions as the captain tracked the Sperm Whale in the depths beneath us by listening to it on a microphone dipped into the water. In the meantime a hot little American tour guide spotted Albatross for us, which are massive (up to 3m wingspan) and use ocean air currents to spend 80% of their lives at sea. When the whale eventually came up for air we were only 100metres away from it. It was a magnificent sight. You can only see about 10% of its mass as it mostly rests below the surface but the shear size of it blows you away. It was the same size as our boat - 18metres!! We waited for about 10mins before it took it's last breath and descended to the depths giving us an opportunity to take the signature picture of the tail in the air – I now feel like David Attenborough.

NELSON AND ABEL TASMAN - 31st mar to 2 apr
Walking, a lot and Kayaking, a lot….
Thinking I had booked a tour with a guide and a group I watched the Arsenal v Barca match at stupid o’clock in the morning and got picked up by a nonstop chatting Kiwi relaying us pointless info on which fruits grow in Nelson, Nelsons history, the government and the Abel Tasman, all with a plethora of statistics. Knowledgeable guy. It was all a bit rushed when I got there and I didn't really know what the hell was going on. We picked up a few more people and saw some sights before we pulled into Te Putekea Bay.
The captain said 'This is your stop.'
To which I replied ‘You’re just leaving me here?’
I was told to go to Bark Bay and spend the night there. It took me 6hrs of walking to get there and they didn't even give me a map! I saw some wicked views along the way though, some of the best scenery I have ever seen. It should have been a shorter walk in hindsight but I decided to take a shortcut around a point over some rocks which backfired severely! Luckily when I got to Bark bay I found a bag with my name on it...which thankfully had a tent and cooking utensils. Pretty handy or I would have been rubbing sticks together for fire!! Next morning I kayaked (with a group) back to the start - we covered 20km in 6 hours stopping for an hour for lunch on a secluded beach. The weather was fantastic without a cloud in the sky and from a kayak I got a great perspective on the Abel Tasman.

POO PUB – 4th Apr
Fancy Dress time…!
For the next week or so I would be on the same Kiwi bus and so joined my bus on the 3rd. With a cool driver called Zippy the bus was soon buzzing. We were working our way down the West coast of NZ, final destination Queenstown - party/adrenaline capital of the world. We stopped at beautiful lakes, drove through and along some astonishing coastline to the Poo Pub at Lake Mahinapua. The owner Les is a Kiwi experience legend, rustling up gigantic steaks for dinner with a bambi stew. We were stuffed, but partied hard at a fancy dress night - my costume won me a Canyon Swing in Queenstown - you can see it in the pics!! We saw more amazing sights on the way down to Franz Josef like the Pancake Rocks and ate a possum pie - yum?!
FRANZ JOSEF - 5th to 7th Apr
Ice Climbing and Sky Diving…
When we arrived at Franz Josef you see the glacier flowing down the valley behind the town - it's amazing. I decided to go ice climbing on it, which involve hiking up and then climbing some natural ice walls. We had ice picks and crampons so I felt like Sylvester Stallone in cliffhanger! It burned the arms especially when tackling slight overhangs!! There was a cool blue ice cave which we walked through and some huge crevasses to navigate. After the hard day we all went to some glacier hot pools to soak the muscles. I also did a 2nd skydive there over the glaciers. Instead of s***ting myself like last time I was very calm and the whole experience was miles better because of that. We had a 20min flight up to 12,000ft having a look at Fox and Franz Josef glaciers from the air and saw Mount Cook. Then we jumped and tumbled out of the air seeing the plane disappear above us before landing in a field below. I took it all in this time instead of screaming my head off and the mountains behind me made it the better of the two.
WANAKA – 7th Apr
A Puzzling World on a hangover…
We were back on the bus following the busy morning all the way to Wanaka - the warm-up for Queenstown. The lakes at Wanaka are unreal, reflecting the massive mountains surrounding them. I fancied doing some exercise and talked Paddy into a run up Mount Iron. We opted for a direct route up a sheep path which we had to hurdle a fence to get to. So amongst little lambs we ran for 5mins before almost collapsing in exhaustion!! We walked the rest - slowly! A quiet drink in the evening turned into mayhem which signaled the start of a mental week - like I said it was the warm-up to Queenstown! Next morning we stopped at Puzzling World where you’re already tired and intoxicated brain gets tricked by sloping rooms, faces that follow and the worlds 1st maze. We stopped at loads of places enroute to Queenstown, all of which I cannot remember the names of - but I can assure you they were all worth seeing and were unbelievable sights - see pics.

QUEENSTOWN & MILFORD SOUND – 8th Apr to 15th Apr
Bungy, Bungy, Bungy, Frisbee golf, Road trip to Milford, teapots, Fergburgers and a load of partying!
We arrived in Queenstown mid-afternoon ready for a big night out in the best nightspot in NZ. We were not disappointed. The place is crazy, and with busloads of people arriving everyday there is NO quiet night. Infact there is no quiet day with a multitude of adrenaline fixes for your average junkie. I jumped off the Ledge 400metres above town pulling a Matrix style twist and shooting guns number, tackled the 134metres of Nevis - 3rd highest bungy in the world, dropped upside down on the highest swing in the world, and did the canyon swing twice - a 70metre free fall and then swing over jagged rocks. We even played Frisbee golf which I am terrible at - I have an evident slice in my action which sends me into rough terrain every shot and gave up after the front 9 - 21 over par!! The evenings consisted of a blind bar crawl and bar games, dancing on tables, and drinking from teapots in World bar. And of course finishing the night with a legendary Fergburger! All this happens in a town surrounded by the Remarkable Mountains which truly are remarkable, flanked by a huge lake and under blue skies....it truly is in my opinion the place to be.

So after 5 days of that my liver and heart asked me for a break and we booked a car to drive to Milford Sound for the night. The drive to our hostel was brilliant. Winding roads alongside huge mirror lakes,
between massive mountains with waterfalls falling from every nook and cranny. It's like standing in a dream. In the morning we took a 2hr cruise out into the sounds and returned back to Queenstown stopping for mini walks along the way. When we arrived back in Queenstown it was like we never left and there was a Ring of Fire that needed playing. A few hours later I was back with Ferg. So that’s the South Island and it has been truly fantastic – lets hope the North is as memorable!!
I hope you are all getting on well at home!