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I'm in flight. Well, nearly. I probably shouldn't be on the phone, but I needed to write this. I needed to say that everything I thought I'd feel is true- that the words I wrote down weeks ago while I was envisioning my take off were the right ones to use. So here they are:
I've never taken pills to keep me from feeling. Then today happened. She happened. I woke up beside her the way I have for 2 years. 2 years. It feels much longer.
I'm going to what I'd consider the vast expanse. I think its now that I understand the meaning of the black hole. It's where I'm headed. And I'm the particle getting sucked in with nothing to stop me and nothing to hold onto.
I keep trying to remind myself its just a city. A city with buildings, schools, and theatres; with people living their lives. Sure its different. How it operates is different. But people living, people just l-i-v-i-n, that's just the same. I try to remember that as I take my last breath of the familiar, down these pills to keep me from dreaming, and wait for the new.
Jen, I miss you. Its the constant I've always known. And the one I always will.
I'm not saying this because I'm sad. I'm not. Well, at least not enough to keep me from bursting out of my skin with excitement. I'm just speaking now so I can remember then, when months from now ill be hesitant to come home. That's how I envision it. But visions aren't real. Right now, this is real. And I don't want to forget it.
I miss you all. The roles you play in my life. And I miss my life, the way it was yesterday, the way I have known it to exist, the way it's existed because all of you are in it.
And with that, I sleep and say farewell.
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