Spash is back, whhoooo it is really caz's turn but she is not feeling to well with a sore throat etc, i think cyanide is working, not long know yeahh. Nah for worrying family folk we dropped by an indian chemists and he gave her some stuff which seems to be working, if they're as good as the travel pills that knock her straight out then i will be having a right old peaceful couple of days - Bonza.

We are in Amritsar at the moment, home of the Punjabs, kings of the wild frontiers and quite frankly leaders in beards of power. I'm glad i'm not on any narcotics cos it would look like one giant father christmas police line-up, on the one hand i'm wondering where the elves are and on the other i'm paranoid i'll get a kabbadi slap from chief gunga the head showman, i watched trans world sports as a kid, i've seen how quick the big man moves. obviously i don't watch it now, the thought of getting up before 9am on a saturday morning is ridiculous, my loins we had none of it.

I saw the funniest thing ever today, i wish i had taken a picture but i am getting beastiality worries of friends so i didn't, anyway it involved two dogs, which i thought were siamese twins or something, that were unfortunately attached by the privates, naive i may be but one was facing one way trying to walk and the other was facing the other hahaha it's the small things, they just kept going round in circles till after ten mins they detached, which to my horror sent me into a cardiac arrest cos i thought i had just witnessed siamese twins seperating without surgery. Anyway, i thought dogs doing missionary was unheard of but i guess not. well done kids, i'm sure your babies will love coming into this world.

We spent a good two solid days getting to Amritsar, we left at 6 in the morning on day 1 (cos i don't know my days or dates right know) 8 hours bus journey to a place called bikaner, rented some beds for 10 hours till our train departure at half one in the morning, the train didnt turn up till half two which is fine, it got us to j?????? summit city at half 1 the next day where we waited around till half three to get the train to amritsar getting here at half 6. There travel stories over, christ that gave me a headache.

The travel was great,it's nice to be on the move again, tho i do wish some indians would try and not be nice to us, it's starting to bug me and caz. On one train this young guy who i can say was a dick, simply because he kept playing his ringtones at us thinking he was cool, and he made a family get up out of there seats so the two westerners could sit down. Pretensious insulting little f***wit, Flat out refused and sat on our bags in the door way, hanging out of the open doors doing 90 down the train line. I hate that, the family sat down again thankfully, but come on, the worst thing is he asked us for our email address's, caz gave him a false one, not even thinking i gave him my real one, tit.

We are into pastures knew, no longer sandy deserts fill the mouth like home cooking off me mother, we are know adorned with stunning endless fields of green, green fields if you like, or as i would say normal landscape.

the train journey to J??????? city was pretty damn sweet,whilst Caz slept on a top bunk i made friends with the biggest bunch of Punjabs you've ever seen, we all crammed into these seats and talked s***e basically, i had to lie alot cos somewhere in the translation who thought i was italian and started proudley showing me all his numbers of his friends in italy. Describing the weather and people to him was interesting half an hour, i think i got away with it, even if i did say it was lovely and hot this time of year. A couple of hours later three kids got on, all dressed in shepherds clothing sitting near me in the corridors of the train, for fear of being s*** on by a bird again, and the slighlty ironic overtures of three wise shepherds looking down at me i made them all jam sandwiches, which was cool cos they relaxed and we all had a bit of banter before they got off in the middle of nowhere. I figure good deeds bring about good things, and besides i'm down to my last t-shirt, terd on the shoulder would be a meteroic disaster at this point. Anyway without sounding like a gargantua gaylord, the punjabi people are without doubt my favourite, we bond on beardness which is good, sounds sad but they do appreciate it, i waiting for the day we get to stroke each others faces, that would a one to write about, as long as it is in the street and they havn't commandeered my bed then all is gravy, i have had my fair share of waking up to bearded people, i'd rather not go down that road again. (you see i said 'people' there to be PC, i'm learning kids i'm learning.)

Can i add the Jailsamler desert festival was one weird get together. As excited i was at seeing the best moustache competition, staring at 10 men on a stage smiling like sex offenders with there arms in the air in sweltering heat was a surreal experience, the worst thing is, nothing happened when anyone won, no cheer, no thing. then they had the best mooming comp (beauty queen) bless em'. You work your women 22 hours in the desert, make em' carry cement on there heads cos the JCB wouldn't start, then stick there war torn bones in a beauty contest after 20 years of sand blast to the face, that's just sick, i've seen the magic of foundation take place but polyfilla can only do so much. that's maybe a little harsh of me, let's just say the event was a little unorthodox. The night time brought about big fun tho ya, some famous bollywood actress got shipped in to do a duet with a 4 foot spanner in a beige suit, for gods sake your in the desert, why would you wear beige unless you were intended to hit a small village with a missile launcher. they sang such classics as hari hari krishna and disco disco disco or my personnal favourite salami salami oh how we love salami. For a nation hell bent on veg it didn't seem appropriate to sing that in front of the kids, but what would i know. I missed the foreigner turban tying comp, i'm a little distressed by this cos i took tips form bilar the camel king on how to do it, damn it.

Bikaner the town we stopped in apparantly has a temple with summit like 40,000kgs of ghee under the floors, when it is hot enough, the floor apparantly becomes greasy. That is a tourist attraction?????? for all i know some tramp with skanky hair might have slept there the night before, i'm not going to see that, i am dissapointed however at a temple 40km south of bikaner where by indians pray to thousands of rats, that'd been cool to see, if they crawl across your feet it is seen as good luck, again - who the f*** comes up with this stuff, i could make my own up if i wanted, who's to say if a cow wipes it's balls on your face as you sleep that this isn't seen as eternal enlightment, i don't wanna tempt fate but who's to know, anyone could make this stuff up. Are you telling me if a kingfisher pecks my eyes out i will be able to see all things great in the next life, in the mean time i'm scrabbling around with no eyes looking for the remote control cos the drone and lies of john motson has sent me over the edge, not to mention looking for my dailly medicine trying to combat herpies to the face and rabies in the mouth cos daisy the cow thought she would help me out a little. These people are nuts, but i kinda like them. (again PC there, i've had my fair share of animals in the past - i'm learning still, i'm learning.)

Amritsar - back to what i am supposed to be talking about, actually hangon, we spent all day in a supermarket eating chow mein and chocolate in bikaner, sounds rubbish but for two hours it was heaven.

Amritsar is by far the most modern same same but different we have been to yet, as soon as we stepped of the train we hired a 60year old man to cycle 2 miles across town on his bicycle with us and our bags on the back, his legs were so frail i thought they were gonna snap like matchstick makers in my mouth. poor thing was struggling the whole way. When we got to a hill there were veins on his neck so bulbess i he looked like a freakish miny weightlifter, saying that he made us get out and help him push the bike up the hill hahaha, he was like a wippet on heat going down hill mind, with wreckless gungho tactics as he took motorised vehicles head on. Needless to say we gave him a bit extra for his worries, and even got off a little early to prevent him going into arrest, more money in a shorter distance made more sense than me giving a 60 year old with rickets mouth to mouth on a pavement of dust. i mentioned rubbing beards early, this is not the way for it to be done. we actually saw him today making a giant american woman walk up the hill at exactly the same point hahaha best thing is she had a cast on her foot hahahaha i love this guy.

We are staying in what i class as the top 5 coolest place i have ever stayed in, i've stayed in italian monastries, granny houses in montreal, churches, huts, holes, parks, but this place tops it. It's a free house for pilgrims, Hundreds of them stay in this place in dorms and on the floors of this giant complex, families etc... its part of the golden complex itself, so every morning they go and pray, and people come from far and wide to do the same. I/we have had some wicked conversations with a million turban head bearded dudes, tho i am going to hell, here at least, we had a convo with this really cool dude who assumed me and caz were married, and then for some reason i lied about going to church every sunday, and reading the bible and all that, i told ya, fear of getting a kabbadi b**** slap. anyways the people are great, foreighners unfrotunately have there own quarters, which is cool, at least it means the little white kid doesnt have to go and shower with the giant bears of the north, i was afraid they would use me for soap. keep doing good deeds matt, good deeds.

I was starving on the train when i woke the other day, only to find some indian ladies sitting on my bag, i had left a block of cheese in there and all i could think about apart from the food was that they were sitting on my temple and soon that temple would greasy through the warmth of a rear. ironic how in touch i am with the indians, when they got off i checked the bag only to find it had come in a tupperware box i had forgotten about, fore thought you see, something the temple of ghee could probably do with. nuff said on that.

The golden temple is stunning, at night with the help and injection of projection lighting, to be honest, in the day they could have made a bit more effort.

We left till night to enter it, v.cool, v.spirtual, which i am not partic down with but do respect nonetheless, it was quite an experience tho. Stunning golden walls, ceilings, everyone is praying there heads of whilst me and caz duck in with head scarves and bags on looking like a couple of shoe bombers on a mission form god. we were all duly ushered out, you could stay of you wanted, but my sikh/hindu needs a little brushing up on. nameste is about as far as i have got really.

hahaha i saw a guy on his pushbike speeding his way through the city like a leopard in search of pray, tho not to dissapoint the indian way of life with erratic pointless horn blowing he had strapped his kid to the front with a handheld gas horn who was going nuts hahahaha beats video games any day.

The systems all working again, i am fine and everything is regular, it is now caz's turn it seems to try and force a trident through the eye of a needle, something easier said than done. give it a couple of days and i think the illness will have subsided.

We have made a vow not to eat a curry for at least 3 days, 2 probs to this 1. the day i made this promise i went into a snackbar and asked for tea, he goes aahhhh lunch, no tea, 'yes lunch', eehhhh, 'come with me' he says, leads us to his kitchen and proudly shows us his food and what he makes and where he makes it, so somehow we ended up eating without a tea bag in site. 2. everywhere sells curry believe it or not, or chinese for some reason. Anyway this is until we see a sign sent from the heavens above. I'm sick of salt, and sugar, i went to a nescafe coffee stall, and asked for a coffee no sugar, 'err all coffee has sugar' uurrrgghhh i'll have a coffee with sugar then, which tasted consdierably close to cup of chai. So anyway the sign of hope was a giant 'SUBWAY' sign, save me elephant hindu gos save me. We ask to get dropped of at Ranjeet ave, so he drops us in Pakistan almost, war torn middle of nowhere where the building structures exist but look burnt out and abandoned, i fear the desert festival man had visited previously. As the tuk tuk left we walked for days, okay 3 hours, never giving up, the amber necter is more important the than the temple of doom. As the sun set and the animals of the night emerged, behind a dusty crack of skank and rubble sat the sign we had always been hoping for, i eft caz in the dust somewhere and ran towards it like a child skipping through fields gold, gleaming with happiness and joy i entered a european climate of unadulterated aircon temperatures, caz soon followed and we feasted as if it were our last supper, i must add the man behind the counter almost ruined my playground of purity and glutanous heavenly delights by asking if i wanted salt on my club subway with sweet onion sauce on wheat footlong bread, i nearly jumped the counter and wripped his face off, god help his frail body if he had made a reaching movement for satans juice. Best bit is caz foolishly ordered nutty bread and couldnt swallow it cos off her throat haha i ate half of it, bless you hindi elephant man with your 6 arms and infuriating mortal kombat moves on the sega megadrive.

SOOOOOOOO after another long rant about possibly nothing at all really, it brings us here in amritsar, templed to the max, staying with the punjabi kabbadi trialists association, outside the holiest of the holy temples, with free board, free food, re-juvinated with euro temps and western fastfood i shall leave you with love in my heart and a grin on my chops.

i will have summit important to say at some point i am sure.

We are heading north again in two days to a place called ????? actually i cant remember but the dalai lama lives there so might pop in for a curry. who knows.

All the best and love you loads.

ps i had a hot shower today, my tan has gone so i know look like a freak, great

xxxx