Months ago I arranged to meet Kim as a travel companion for the German cities of Hamburg and Leipzig. Kim is a native German who has been living in the UK for the past decade or so. Although he grew up in Germany, he had never explored these two cities and looked forward to seeing them from a tourist perspective. Kim made his fortune in the tech industry, and agreed to book lux accommodation in my name at his expense. When we made the plans, the clearly defined arrangement was that we would travel together as strictly platonic friends. I knew that there was a chance this could go awry, but he had so many positive reviews on his couchsurfing profile that I figured it was a fairly safe bet.
I arrived at Le Meridian hotel several hours before Kim had scheduled, and I was blown away by the extreme luxury of it all. My first red flag was that there was one king sized bed when we had agreed on two single beds. I messaged him asking about it, and he said it was a mistake of the hotel and he would sort it out upon his arrival. He said he would be there in two hours, so I decided to enjoy a very luxurious shower. Of course, most showers would feel luxurious in comparison to hostel life, but this shower is huge and has multiple shower heads designed to spray from multiple angles. It was, in a word, glorious.
Kim arrived just 45 minutes later as I was stepping out of the shower. It was extremely awkward timing for a first meeting. I asked again about the bed situation, and he said the hotel didn't have any more rooms available with two singles. He said it looked like the bed was big enough for us to sleep at opposite ends without it being weird.
The hotel was right along the edge of Lake Alster, so we took a long walk around the lake before finding a place to eat dinner. We went to an Indian restaurant and I ordered chicken tikka masala, which is an entirely different dish than what we're used to in the states. We talked and got to know each other a bit, but unlike my previous hosts it was obvious that Kim had some kind of barrier up so the conversation didn't get very deep. I brought up topic after topic to keep the conversation going, while he looked slightly bored and didn't do his part to maintain the conversation. I told him, "I'm having a hard time getting a read on you," and his response was, "good, I'll keep you guessing."
I was starting to feel a natural dislike for the guy, but some of my friends who have spent time in Germany expressed that it's not uncommon for Germans to have this kind of attitude, so I decided to give it a fair chance. Back at the hotel that night we slept on separate ends of the bed without incident. I said earlier in my blog that I usually sleep like a hibernating bear, but I felt wary enough to only sleep very lightly beside Kim and I woke up about every half hour. We got up at 9am and even though the bed was super comfortable, I definitely was not well-rested.
That day we walked around the city. We walked around the town hall (Rathaus), where there was a huge memorial for a former German Chancellor from Hamburg who had recently passed away. Nearby is the Rathausmarkt (town hall market) and a big shopping area called the Europa Passage which we walked around. We navigated our way to the Warehouse District which is basically a bunch of beautiful old buildings along the canals. Then we walked to Deichstraße which is the oldest street in Hamburg, but there's nothing to see besides a few old houses. We saw St. Katharinen church in the near distance, and took a stroll through there too.
For lunch I got cheddar broccoli soup, which was served with a big scoop of rice at the bottom. Kim got boiled eggs and potatoes with a creamy mustard sauce. In Germany no restaurants seem to serve water on tap. You have to buy a bottle every time you're thirsty with the option of still or gas water. Mostly the bottles of water served at restaurants are very small and I found it difficult to stay hydrated, so I ended up drinking two bottles of water with lunch.
The cafe where we had lunch has an area for patrons to bus their own trays after eating, and I brought mine over there as he stood watching me. I looked at his tray and said, "I think you have to bus it yourself, there's an area over there for it." He replied with a smirk, "I don't have to do anything." I said "if you're not going to do it, I will. I think it's rude to leave your stuff at the table." He said, with a s***-eating grin, "go ahead." So I bussed his tray while he stood there laughing out loud at me. I glared at him as he tweaked me on the chin and said, "it's fun winding you up!" I was angry, but didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had gotten to me, so I played it cool.
After lunch we walked though a museum. The exhibit was attached to an art academy, and dealt with the theme of how technology effects our perspective of art. I found it to be ultra-modern and fascinating, but Kim was not impressed. After a short while he walked out in a huff and waited for me outside of the museum, so I sped through the rest of the exhibit.
I asked why he disliked it so much, and he said basically that the theme of technology in art is old news. I agreed that the concept has been around for some time, but expressed that as technology is constantly advancing, so could this theme in art. I went on to say that his distaste for 'tired themes' in art would make more sense in a classic art museum which circulates the same paintings that have been around for centuries. He didn't appreciate my analysis, although my intention was to start a dialogue rather than critique his taste, and he nearly doubled his pace as we walked around the modern canal area of Hafen City.
We rested at the hotel for a short while after that. I skyped with my dear Sophie, and my mom. We grabbed a bite to eat for dinner the Mercedes Benz cafe, which had a fancy car sitting dead center. Kim shook his head at the car and said "Mercedes has too much money," and I thought to myself "as do you!" I ordered a wrap not knowing what was in it, because he had complained about having to translate the menu into English the moment we sat down, and I didn't want to ask for his help. The wrap had a lot of smoked salmon, plus iceberg lettuce, red onions, cucumber, and some kind of mint sauce.
That evening we went to the Nancy Tilitz art gallery to listen to jazz music, which is hosted there every Friday night. We were each served a beer, and salty peanuts to share. The music was wonderful and the art was interesting. We stayed until 12:20am before walking back to the hotel.
Back at the hotel, Kim made his move. He didn't just try to diverge from our platonic arrangement, though. He made the bold move to try to 'dominate' me in a very disrespectful and degrading way. When it comes to "fight or flight," my instinct has always been to freeze. This was the first time I can remember that the "fight" instinct kicked in, but when he pushed me down to the ground while laughing raucously at me, I thought better of it and took off.
He called out "wait!" as I ran out of the hotel room with my shoes, coat and purse in hand, but I didn't stop. As I walked out of the hotel to get a breath of fresh air I heard him whistle to me from the balcony the way one whistles at a dog, but I quickly rounded the corner. I walked to the nearest church where I was surprised to see the gate open, and a small playground in the back with a single swing. It was well-lit and apartment complexes lined both sides, so I felt pretty safe to sit down and swing. The stars were beautiful and I calmed myself down enough to think clearly.
I went back to the hotel and sat in the lobby while I looked online to see what alternative accommodation I could book. At this point it was 2am, and I found that there was no place that would take me so late at night. I also knew it would take me at least thirty minutes to pack up all my stuff. I didn't trust him not to do something like take my most irreplaceable items just to mess with me or gain a higher ground.
I finally went back to the hotel room, keeping my shoes, coat and purse on me so I could leave again quickly if I didn't feel safe. As soon as I walked into the room, he began to apologize for his behavior. He said he thought we were just playing around and that he would have expected me to say "red" if I weren't okay with it. It's a bulls*** excuse because we hadn't negotiated safe words and I had specifically expressed that I didn't consent to anything besides platonic friendship with him. When he reached out to touch my shoulder as he continued to apologize I snapped, "don't ever touch me again," and he agreed. I said I would sleep there that night out of necessity, and in the morning I would look for alternative accommodation. I slept worse this night than the night before, although he kept his word and didn't try anything after that.
We both slept late and awoke at noon the next day. He asked to take me to lunch to talk about the previous night. I agreed as long as we chose someplace to eat near the laundromat because I had to do my wash. We dropped my clothes in the wash and sat down at a cafe. They had an English menu and I ordered a salad which came with not only lettuce but all sorts of yummy fruit, and chicken with tomato on top covered in melted cheese.
He continued to apologize over lunch and promised nothing like that would happen again. If I was willing he said we would continue our journey as platonic friends. He left me to think about it while he ran back to the laundromat to switch my stuff to the dryer. I can't fully validate why I chose to give him a second chance. My thought was that I at least wanted us to separate on a positive note. I knew I should definitely book another place for Leipzig, but thought maybe we could do the next couple of days together in Hamburg and part ways as friends. Probably this has something to do with my history of trauma and how triggering incidents such as these tend to temporarily plummet my self esteem.
After dropping my laundry back at the hotel we went to an art museum called Kunsthalle. It had an interesting and beautiful exhibit of 'degenerate art,' the modern art condemned during the nazi regime. It was a big museum and I lost Kim at some point, but we ran back into each other as we neared the end of the museum and left together.
Next we went to the Museum of Art and Design. It's a huge place and we figured out quickly that we would lose each other, so we designated a place to meet two hours later. This museum was my favorite. There was an exhibit on rock posters, which I loved especially because I had seen so many of the bands that the posters featured. There was a huge exhibit on Art Nouveau, and I was moved by how expressive the paintings are, how everyday objects were transformed into art, the way that movement began to be interpreted as an art form, the focus on feminine strength, and the dynamic nature of the sculptures.
Another exhibit focused on how home furnishings became another form of art with modernism. There was also a great exhibit with musical instruments from the past few centuries. There were some beautiful pianos that made me miss my sister desperately (for those of you who don't know my sister is a very talented pianist). Kim and I ran into each other about ten minutes before our planned meeting time, so we finished the museum together and went to dinner.
He picked out a place which he described as a Mexican restaurant chain, but much to his chagrin and my delight turned out to be more of a steakhouse. He ordered fajitas, the only Mexican dish on the menu, and I ordered a steak. My steak was amazingly delicious. Kim was upset when his fajitas arrived and he realized that he had to put them together himself. I said, "that's what fajitas are, this is how they're traditionally served." He said, "I'm paying, so I shouldn't have to do any work for my food." He ate his fajitas with dissatisfaction as I enjoyed my juicy, tender steak. Dinner conversation felt like work for me as he seemed annoyed by anything I said, so I gave up on it and just enjoyed my meal.
That evening we went to Reeperbahn, the red light district. It was the first active red light district I've ever been to, and I found it fascinating. Kim wanted to go to Panoptikum, a wax museum in the area, so we went. I thought that once you've seen one wax museum you've seen them all, and I've seen a few. The Panoptikum was special in that it focused largely on history in Hamburg, although it did also have the typical wax sculptures that are at every such place (Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Harry Potter, Julia Roberts, Einstein, a gruesome horror scene). Another thing they had which I hadn't seen before was a room of wax figures depicting medical abnormalities. I thought it was pretty cool, but Kim was predictably unimpressed.
The streets were tight-packed and crowded. I noticed several people after walking past Kim stopping in their tracks to turn around and glare at him. I kept my eye out to see why and realized that whenever someone neared him, he stuck his elbow out to jab them in the ribs if they got close enough to brush against him. "You're elbowing people," I stated aloud in disbelief. "I'm not doing anything," he said, "they're the ones bumping into me."
I'm hardly a drinker, but at this point I said I needed a drink. We went to a bar and sipped on scotch. I gave up trying to make conversation, and he didn't make any effort either. A much older woman who seemed to work at the bar came over and offered me a shot of vodka, which I took. She sat with us and I was grateful to make conversation with anyone other than the man next to me. She asked if we were husband and wife and he practically fell over himself saying "Oh NO no no no no no no!" Then she asked if we were brother and sister, to which I said "Yes, that's it" before he could get a word in.
She asked where we were from, and I asked if she had any suggestions about what to do in the area. She made a couple of suggestions, then asked me to buy her a drink. I nodded toward Kim saying, "he's the one with the wallet, ask him." He refused and she left our table. I asked him if it's customary for bartenders to ask patrons to buy them drinks, and he said that buying her a drink would earn us certain benefits, which he illustrated by putting his hand on my thigh. "Don't touch me," I reminded him.
After we finished our drink we went to Queen Calavera: Home of Burlesque as we had discussed earlier. It was cash only and at this point he only had his card. He had paid for everything in our time together though, so I offered to pay the fee to get us in and bought us both another round of scotch. We sat in the back room with a handful of drunk guys. One of them threw his plate of chips to the ground, and barked something at one of the other guys, who immediately dropped to his hands and knees and started eating the chips straight from the floor. Kim laughed as I wrinkled my nose in distaste, and one of the guys who works at the bar went over and kicked at the guy on the floor.
Kim said that if he didn't like the dancing then he wouldn't want to stay much longer, and I said "okay, just please don't leave me alone in this neighborhood." 45 minutes later a dancer finally came on, and danced for only one song. When she finished Kim said "that was no good." I said "I'd like to stay for one more dance, at least. How much longer will you stay?"
"Long enough to finish my drink," he said. We had been there for nearly an hour and he was only halfway through his drink, so I nodded in agreement. I said, "let's stay another ten minutes at least to see if another dancer comes on, okay?" He shot me a nasty look, lifted the glass to his lips, and gulped it down until it was empty. "I'm leaving," he said, "are you coming?"
As much as I didn't want to be left alone late at night in the red light district, I chose the unknown evil over the known evil. I couldn't stand to spend another minute with him, especially to give him the satisfaction of thinking he had some kind of control over me. I said "see ya," and he replied as if he cared, "will you be okay finding your way back?" I said, "I guess I'll have to be, won't I?" He said "yup" and took off.
I stayed for another couple of dances, and met a few people at the bar who were nice and we made conversation between dances. When I left I asked the bouncer how to get to the train, which he said was only two minutes away and pointed me in the right direction. As it turned out, I felt perfectly safe in this neighborhood at night because it was crowded with so many people and there was a fairly heavy police presence too. I figured out on my own which train to take, and got back to the hotel without incident.
At the hotel I sat in the lobby for a while and texted with my mom. I told her how bad things had gotten with my host, and how I planned to find another place to stay. She asked what she could do to help me, but I felt confident to figure it out in my own. I connected with a local artist named Raymond who has been published in a few children's books, and I explained my situation. He graciously offered to let me couchsurf his place that night and the next. It was too late at night for me to travel the 18km to his place, but we agreed that I would arrive the next afternoon and spend the night before heading to Leipzig the next day. When I got back to the hotel room Kim was already asleep, and I was glad I didn't have to deal with him again that night.
In the morning I asked how he felt, and he said "fine." Then maybe for the first time ever he reciprocated the question to ask how I felt. I said, "I feel that you dislike me and don't enjoy my company, so I've found another place to sleep tonight and I'm going to book somewhere else to stay in Leipzig."
He said "it's not you, I just didn't like the club last night" and I interrupted to say "this isn't just about the club. I've made my choice and I'm not changing my mind." He said okay, and offered to book another place for me. I said I wanted to book it myself, but would let him pay for it if he was so inclined. He said, "name an amount," and I asked whether he thought €40/night was fair for lodging. He agreed, left the money on the bedside table, and went out for the day.
I took my sweet time packing my bags and enjoying a long shower. I stopped for lunch at a nearby restaurant which serves pho, my favorite food that I had been craving since I left home. It was not as good as the stuff I'm used to back home, but it is my ultimate comfort food, so I enjoyed it.
I headed to Raymond's place, and he welcomed me in warmly. We spent hours discussing art and technology, as he's an artist who adapted to use graphic design to make a career. We talked a lot about travel too, and our thoughts on Germany. He's from Martinique, a small island in the Caribbean, and lived in France for a while before moving to Hamburg. He said he finds it difficult to forge close connections to German people, although he wasn't sure how much it had to do with his skin color or his inability to speak the language.
After talking for a good long while we started the task of finding a movie to watch that neither of us had seen before, which proved pretty difficult. We settled on Sharknado and had a good laugh watching it. He made us a nice dinner of porkloin and quinoa with cucumber and tomato. I offered to do the dishes afterward, but he said no because I'm a guest. He said he'd deal with them tomorrow, although he expressed how much he hates doing dishes.
We watched the rest of Sharknado after dinner, and he unfolded the futon for me to sleep on. He said he had to leave early for work the next morning, but that I was welcome to stay as long as I liked and said the door would lock automatically behind me whenever I left. I lavished him with thanks and said goodnight. I got by far the best night's sleep that I've had since I left Nanna's place in Copenhagen. In the morning I used his wifi connection to book a hostel for Leipzig, and then did the dishes before I left.
I made my way to the train station for my 3pm train, just grabbing a croissant and coffee along the way because it was only supposed to be a 2 hour ride. I ran into Kim at the train station, and he sat with me until the train arrived. We sat in different cabins on the train, and I didn't see him again.
As it turned out, two trains along our route crashed, so our two hour train ride turned into 4.5 hours. By the time we arrived in Leipzig it was 8pm and I had only eaten a croissant all day, so I stopped at Subway inside the train station to pick up a sandwich to eat when I arrived at the hostel. It was the first time I've gone to an American chain restaurant since before I left home. I set out for the hostel, which was supposed to be a fifteen minute walk.
It was pouring rain, and my hoodie was deep in my backpack, so my best option to stay dry was to wrap my scarf around my head. As I walked I soon realized that the street my hostel is on was closed for miles. I asked a passerby what was going on, and he spat at me. I asked a second person, who just glared.
I asked the host of a restaurant for help because I didn't know how else to get to my hostel. She explained that every Monday there is an anti-Islam protest on that street, and a protest against that protest. I realized at this point that I was spat and glared at because the way I was wearing my scarf could be mistaken for a hijab. She pointed out another way I could get to my hostel, and in thirty more minutes I arrived.
So, here I am settling in for my first of four nights in Leipzig. My thought on all the drama this week is that for better or worse, it's all part of the journey. I believe it's an important part of my transformation and growth, which is why I'm on this trip in the first place. Of course, I will proceed with caution. No more falling for ploys that seem too good to be true. I am safe and all in one piece, and ready to see what this city has to offer me.