Overland Border Crossings (or, how I learned to stop worrying and love bureaucracy)

Thus far on my travels I've done 4 overland border crossings

• South Africa to Swaziland and back to South Africa (hire car)

• Turkey to Greece (ship/port)

• Russia to Mongolia (train)

• Mongolia to China (train)

The first two were really no big deal, just involving a flash of the passport, maybe paying some sort of fee, fill out departure & arrival cards, and stamp the passport - away we go. Nothing more than what you would need to do in an airport.

The Russian/Mongolian border crossing, however, really takes the department of administrative affairs to a whole new level. We were told in advance that the crossing could take a while, but just how long 'a while' is was unknown. So here we arrive in the border town of Naushki awaiting Russian permission to leave the country.

Short version of the process was:

1:30 pm - arrive in Naushki, we're allowed to disembark, or 'de-train' if you follow the vocabulary of American flight attendants (fyi, the use of the made up word 'de-plane' is a pet peeve of mine. Who knew 'plane' was a verb??)

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(It is completely unknown what the Russians were doing at this time however we were in the deadest of dead towns with nothing to do except visit a very pathetic market which sold cucumbers, fake Russian dvds, leopard-print male underwear, and most bizarrely, sheep fetus face cream. Luckily for the most part no one had any rubles to buy anything anyway, though we did manage to cobble enough together to play lucky dip with the all-Russian cafe menu and managed to have one final blini and a meat-filled pastry.)

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4:00pm - we had to be back on the train to hand over our passports. Russian authorities take customs declaration, passport & departure card, we stay in our carriages

6:30pm - passports returned

6:45pm - train slowly advances towards Mongolia

7:30pm - arrive in Mongolia

8:00pm - Mongolian authorities collect passports and arrival cards as well as customs forms detailing the amount of every currency we had (which for me involved an 8 item list of US Dollars, Euro, South African Rand, Norwegian Kroner, Australian Dollars, NZ Dollars, Chinese Renminbi and a few straggly Russian Rubles)

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(we're allowed to exit the train and we all visit the various ATMs at the train station to obtain our first Mongolian Togrogs, and briefly consider a trip to the nearby karaoke bar but settle for a 5000 T bottle of borgio beer)

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9:30pm - Passports returned

10:30pm - Train officially permitted to enter Mongolia

That's right, folks, the border crossing of around 8 carriages took 9 hours. To this day we still have no idea what the Russians were doing during that time, except that to our eyes it seemed like absolutely nothing. Also, we only knew about getting back to the car by 4:00 because someone who was on a tour group with a guide accompanying them informed us of this fact. Deduct 10 points from Russia in the 'managing expectations and communicating process' category.

But, there really is something to be said for cultivating the art of patience through necessity, as there's really not much you can do about it - might as well pick up the journal or the book and stop complaining (or, for that matter, stop driving yourself crazy wondering what on earth they are doing all this time).

The Mongolia/China border crossing, on the other hand...wow. Scores off the charts in efficiency, novelty factor, communication and attempts to make experience more pleasurable. All up the crossing took about 4 hours, including the exit from Mongolia.

But first, the paperwork - we counted 6 or 8 forms all up, including departure card, customs card (Mongolia) plus Chinese arrival card, Chinese health form, Chinese customs form (all 3 of which needing to be filled out in duplicate). My favourite bit was having my temperature taken by an infrared thermometer - never let it be said the Chinese aren't doing their part to combat the spread of swine flu (I'm 35.5 degrees C btw).

After the paperwork was done, though, bureaucracy like clockwork! The second the train stopped at the Chinese border there were guards and customs officials standing at attention, perfectly spaced and positioned by train car width, so as to maximise efficient boarding of the train for passport and form collection. They were on like a flash, took the passports, all the while Chopin and Vivaldi were playing through the loudspeakers at the station. Now, that's a border crossing experience made more pleasurable!

We had an idea of what was coming next. See, in ½ the time that it took the Russians to ...I don't know, stare at the train for 4 hours and then stamp a few passports... the Chinese need to actually change the wheel base of the train cars because Chinese train tracks require smaller wheels.

We all knew we could either get off the train or stay on for the next 2 hours - but thought we needed to wait for our passports to be returned first. Nope, we moved into the a large shed where the engineers were standing at attention awaiting our arrival. Equipped with several giant forklifts and new wheels, the train was split in half, our carriages were raised, wheel base changed, and carriages reconnected with maximum efficiency.

After that performance of remarkable engineering and execution we had another hour or so for the return of our stamped passports, bathroom (First squat toilets! Wooo!), and a bit of fresh air. Sadly it was late at night so we couldn't shop in the duty free shop. But Beethoven and Mendelsohn's wedding march were playing the whole time so even that hour passed quickly. There were also periodic announcements in English and Mandarin about what what happening, plus warmly welcoming us to and wishing us a very pleasant stay in China.

Not a minute wasted. Well done China!

Competition Results - Best Train Experience

Accommodation: Mongolia -window opened, and no bad Russian love ballads blaring at an unadjustable volume from the carriage interior speaker.

Carriage Attendant: China - the only one who did not yell at us...though come to think of it that might have been more of a function of vodka consumption than the disposition of the attendants themselves.

Toilet Facilities: Tough contest here but I think Russia eeks out the win, but really only because neither Mongolia nor China provided toilet paper. Though...Day 4 on Russian train compared with the others were...well...the situation was dire let's put it that way.

Neighbours: During the trip - Mongolia & China (tie). Retrospectively - Russia (for the stories)

Restaurant Car: Mongolia. Bilingual menu to avoid eating borscht the whole time, plus accepted both Togrogs and US dollars.

Local platform food provisions: Russia - no way does Mongolian airang (mare's milk) beat dried fish on a stick!

Border Crossing: China - novelty factor, English language instructions and efficiency make this the overwhelming winner.