Dose anyone know a link to a good English - Upper Basildonian dictionary? Can't get a word of that Waltzing Matilda message...

Hope you all had a bloody awful Xmas. Was crap to talk to you on Xmas eve in the pub Chris and luckily no more contact from you since then, save a brief email about you being caught doing something red-handed on a roof. Do tell all and sundry about it...

Merry Christmas everyone
HO!! HO!! HO!!

Dear Christophe la maison, while i have had a jolly good read of your board this morning while i sit at work doing the sum total of nothing, I haven't manage to garner much information from the dark lands in which you have temporarily chosen to reside. i had a thought as i read through these messages - do they have pikeys in the convict lands?

a project for you - An Investigation into the Socio-Economic positioning of the population of central eastern Australia, to be submitted in no less than 20 words by 4th January 2005.

Don't know what you'll be doing for Christmas, but will give you a thought over a mince pie and glass of brandy on christmas eve as you will be waking on Christmas day. Hope you have a good one buddy. Take care out there my own personal view is that they're probably all pikeys so watch your wallet! Cheerio

misnomer
n : an incorrect or unsuitable name

unemployment
n: the state of being unemployed, especially involuntarily

If you think that "unemployment" is an incorrect or unsuitable name for the state of being unemployed, Northerner, then perhaps you would like to suggest a better one...

Unless, that is, you were suggesting that "money", "boredom", "respect" or "peers" is a misnomer (your syntax is not entirely clear), in which case perhaps you would like to stun us with your insight and reveal your reasons for this claim.

Before you start to label your friends "ignorant fools", perhaps you should take some time to do some research. I shall help with a small example: your name is Oliver, Oliver means olive. You, however, are clearly a goat. Therefore "Oliver" is a misnomer. You should perhaps have been called Buckley, a variant of Buck, meaning "male goat".

Hi Chris, hope you're having a good time etc. See you in the Plume on Christmas Eve...? Still holding out hope!

In anticipation of being mocked by the Northerner's reply (unless he really is as stupid as it appears),

Brush

Unemployment...? surely a bad thing. no money, boredom, little respect from your peers(all with good jobs at music companies etc...). this is in fact a misnomer(look it up you ignorant fools!). leisure, as much tea as you can drink, beer when the milk runs low, games, test matches, daddy's seemingly bottomless wallet. a sister who's boyfriend is a wine-merchant and is coming to christmas luncheon (there is a god and he is hiding inside a bottle of Marques De Riscal 1984). hope you made your way back from the outback last night. were there sheep? love and big kisses for my favorite explorer and hope the christmas period is a jolly one for you and you XXXX. if it makes you feel any better the 6X in the trigger pond last night was very poor indeed. take care buddy, miss you.

oi get ya paws off me motor. ya naw i got dem pedals free with me burbri suit. hows Vicky, did she hav the little bairn? is it yours or liams? Its well happnin here - met stu from Chavum, you naw one of Pauls guys, bit of a pikey - i f*****g hate pikeys - finks hes someting else with that new 7inch fick chain. hes in the nick tho, coppars dun him for loitering with intent or some s*** outside McDs. I didn't get caught cos we were doin it in shifts. its well hard, me addidas bomber almost melted in the 'eat. lucky i bought me burbri sombrero over. i loves dags - me aunti shaz (who's also me step sis and nan) has 17 in the cara wif her. Put me down for a pam shriver on the hare though. xx innit

Well what a wickid weekend! managed to get down Woolworfs in Darren's Escort to pick up some blue 'eadlights for me Saxo. It looks well bo now, believe! Chris mate, was wondrin' if i could borra your seat covers and metal pedals so i can fully rudeboy up me car innit? Can't afford em now coz i spent fifty notes on me new Burburry cap. Saw Vicky last night. we was all hangin' round Tescos car park causing trouble (Liam shouted at some bird, well funny!) and she looked like a proper slag! Hope the country you're in is well nice? was finkin' about comin' over but will have to nick some money off Jermaine (the bloke me mam's seeing) for some Bensons and a flight. Me nan is comin for Xmas so the caravan's gonna be well full. think we gonna race some dags on boxin day. You like dags?

erm.... right.... was just going to use up that last few minutes of the working day with a general round of well balenced message comprised of abuse (substituing for envy which is soo last week), ridicule (still no job.. Ha) and maybe if there's time something nice. however since the two posts were... well... a little on the unusual, even bizarre side I think I shall withdraw from the battle with all the dignity I can muster. Farewell brave voyager.

Damn it! I knew i shouldn't have gone away - no one told me of the adventures that can be had on the london daily commute! A simular sort of crying/laughter incident happened to Amanda the other day - turning a corner on her lunch break in Brisbanes "central park" She was hit full on the face by a pigeon which almost knocked her clean out. The pigeon, dazed and confused waddled off, leaving Amanda dazed concussed and sat on her bum not knowing whether to laugh or cry! It's all hectic stuff out there and confirms my theory that really it's far too dangerous to get a job these days.

So what's new in London Town... Not a lot really!! I do, however, have an extremely amusing story to tell you, which I hope will make you piss your pants laughing, as much as it made me cry (only at the time - obviously I, too, can laugh about it now...!) On my way to work this morning (i'm still being very important working at Hiscox in the city), I experienced my usual struggle to get onto the tube (from waterloo to bank), where the heaving platform resembles Oxford Street on Christmas Eve, and the mere opening of the tube doors necessitates a mad brawl (not unlike feeding time at the zoo) as everyone homes in on the doorways in order to try and secure a seat for the exhausting 5 minute journey. So amongst all the elbowing and shuffling and pushing and shoving, I made my way to the door edge, only to have some f*cker (scuse the language) tread on the back of my foot just as I was stepping up onto the train, causing my foot to continue into the train without my shoe, which was left alone and bewildered on the platform. Quick as a flash, I manoeuvred myself into reverse against the flow of angry commuters, in order to retrieve my shoe, only to find that some other f*cker (or perhaps even the same one) had inadvertantly kicked it under the train and onto the track, in his effort to beat everyone else through the doors. Leaving me, one-shoe-pips, trying to swim back in the opposite direction, amid calls of "You're meant to be getting ON the bloody train, not off it", which I thought was particularly nice, considering the situation I found myself in. And if that wasn't bad enough, I then had to make my way back off the platform, through the heaving throng of people giving me equally disdainful looks, in order to find some Underground employee to help me, who said that I would have to come back in a couple of hours when the "traffic" had died down, as they couldn't access the platform until then. I then called my mum, and promptly burst into tears...!! It must have been quite a picture - me hobbling around waterloo, with one high heeled shoe and one bare foot, in my little black suit, sobbing into the phone..!! Fortunately for me, mother was in a slightly better state, and came to my rescue within minutes, bearing another pair of shoes. And I have since managed to retrieve the aforementioned bereft shoe from the track, thanks to the help of my new best friend the trusty London-Underground employee...So all is well - hurrah! Phew, what an ordeal. Whoever said we need to go to Australia to have adventures??!!! (p.s. It's bryony's bday tomorrow, so seeing as you forgot mine a couple of weeks ago (grrr!!!), I thought I'd remind you to send her an email or something if you have time - i'm sure she'd love to hear a quick hello. Hope alls well xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx)

There's this city down under called Brisbane,
That's also full of fresh air and fun,
And such was the lure of its amusements,
It eventually attracted my son.

A fair dinkum young lad was our fella,
As he carolled his way around Town,
And posted party shots on his web site,
Showing Abos stark naked and brown.

Back home we also had a party,
One of those relative family affairs,
Our contribution of homemade apple pudding,
Which was tasty despite the dog's hairs.

Do tell us your daily progress,
Keeping 'Shaven' 'Fatman' and Wallace amused,
Granny wants you to pop to Tasmania,
But we've told her that you have refused.

Your parcel arrived this morning,
And its given Mum quite concern,
She's been worrying all day about things,
As we have sent nothing in return

So keep up the ol' job hunting
Sweating in all that humidity,
You should contact that guy David,
And join in the amazing H3.*

*Hash House Harriers - begun by the military in SE Asia and adopted by the Aussies as (one of their) national after - work recreations.

Best wishes from all of us - Cheers! Dad.