FROM WIERDO TO ZERO

Our bus journey from Mendoza across the Andes to Valpariaso in Chile, one of those stunning drives that everyone raves about, did not pass off without incident. The views were spectacular, of the Andes in general and Aconcagua, the highest mountain in the world outside of Asia, in particular. But the environment inside the bus was less pleasant. We were sat behind a couple with a very cute little daughter. Cute, that is, until she threw up all over her proud parents as they plied her with a never-ending supply of sweets and chocolate and empanadas. This was quite early on in the eight-hour journey, so we all suffered with the smell, which mingled with the outrageous body odour from the odd chap across the aisle from us. This guy spent most of the journey singing out of tune to the terrible 80s music the driver was playing - and when there was no music, he just chatted away to himself or insisted we give him our discarded mouldy sandwiches from the packed lunch provided. Now a poor kid throwing up once on a bus trip is forgivable - we could put it down to travel sickness - but twice is just careless. A second bout of chundering was inevitable as the parents and said smelly bloke continued to feed her sweets and fizzy drinks, and we were distinctly unimpressed when she performed as expected and her parents laughed unapologetically.

Other than puking kids and stinking blokes, the other thing that made the journey worse than it should have been was the ridiculous two hours it took to cross the border into Chile. As previously mentioned, the Chileans are absolutely paranoid about some parasite trying to sneak into the country across borders, so every single bag is scanned by customs - slowly. On top of the inevitable border-crossing bureaucracy, this really adds to the wait time, and by the time our coach-load of bags was seen to, our tempers were frayed to breaking point. From then on, however, things improved a little, although the 29 peer-through-your-fingers hairpin bends that the bus had to negotiate just the other side of the border (another great place for a Top Gear special) added to our desire to get off that bus quick. We finally got to the beautiful port of Valparaiso at around 5pm.

We managed to break the rule we'd made just the week before in Uruguay by arriving not only on a Sunday but also the day before a public holiday, so Valparaiso was doubly dead when we arrived - although still nothing compared to 'war-torn' Montevideo. Luckily, the hotel we were staying in was a nice one - we were reviewing it and they were ready and willing to look after us and relieve the stresses of the journey. Named 'Zero Hotel' after the many hills (or cerros in Spanish) which make up the city, and set in the old town, a UNESCO World Heritage Site with a fantastic view of the busy harbour and wide bay, it was a real shame we were only staying one night. The hotel was housed in one of the few buildings to survive a massive earthquake which hit Valparaiso in the early 1900s. We took the usual photos of the hotel for the review and chatted to the manager over a glass of perfectly chilled Sauvignon Blanc while sitting on the terrace overlooking the Pacific Ocean and the colourful houses in the hills around the city, which seemed to merge with the multi-coloured containers waiting in the docks below.

Next day, we only had a short time to see the sights of lovely Valparaiso, as we had to get an early bus to Santiago because the main motorway to the capital was closed for the public holiday (Immaculate Conception/Feast of the Virgin) to allow the local people to do a pilgrimage along the route. So to get a good overview of the city we were recommended to take one of the boat trips round the harbour, which enabled us to see Valparaiso from the water. We joined all the other tourists in a boat and chugged our way around the harbour, as the guide pointed out interesting sights including a couple of sea lions playing in the sea, the Chilean congress building, a ship that had been under arrest in the harbour for two years because of the massive stash of cocaine found on it, and the enormous cruise liner, the Sea Princess, which apparently carries six thousand passengers, moored in the docks.

We were reluctant to leave this warm, sunny, colourful place, but had to get back to our hotel before catching our bus. We were rushing back towards one of the many old mini funicular railways which carry people up and down the hills of the city, when who should we 'bump into' but our stalker, Siobhan, who was staying in Santiago with a friend's family. We made plans to meet up with her again the next day in Santiago, assuming that if we didn't she'd find us anyway, and rushed off to catch our bus.