Hi - Al here, just thought I would supplement my lovely wife's scriptures with some typical grumpy AL pearls of wisdom. First and foremost - third class train travel in India is not for any man, women or child from the west. No-one can reclaim any vestige of self respect and dignity once you have had a four year old pee on your foot!

Secondly - no amount of knowing normal English people makes up for the titanically fat northern monkess that hit the "tropical" (yes Ingy palm trees are everywhere) beaches of goa - these pink whales are not the only distraction and test to my fragile constitution - There are the "no shirt louts who guzzle fourteen pints of larger like it will not be there tomorrow";, the "bellowing heifers - such genteel and refined souls who like to ask their husband what they want for dinner ... 1 foot away but with the voice of God himself"; and the "no graaaavy - what kind of plaaaace is this???" Neanderthals.

But brits are not the only ones letting there nation down as while the Germans are more quite generally they do seem to struggle to keep their clothes on. Now as a rule I am not against this with the young buxom girls that Germany can produce however these girls are sorely lacking. In their stead Germany see fit to sent 60 year old men with saggy butts - yes IN THONGS and men poaches - oh god help me it is better not to where your contact lenses some days! - Oh and they are backed by their 121 year old roasted wife's who look like overdone chicken and can only be described as the roasted breasts of Goa!

Saying this - the place itself is lovely but a bit hot, all the time. The food is really something and would be appreciated even more if not for having to pollute my body with Malaria pills. It really is good and never turn you nose up at a chance to sink your teeth into some India cheesy balls - they are a delight!

The Indians are a dichotomy. On the one side I have never seen anyone work so hard to help you out, they pool their knowledge and really do try to get you what you need. .... and then on the other hand they seem incapable of not trying to rip you off when trying to sell you something - they chase the buck so hard that they will be too weak to cook it if they caught it.

Trains, planes and auto fuc fucs - don't bother with any - fly to Goa, find your seat at the beach and fly out - getting round India without planning it months in advance is like trying to play football in treacle - hot sweaty ....not allot of movement, no result and you know you have to play the same game on the return leg - don't bother, fly or just stay in a hotel (not under 4* as that is just camping in disguise)

You were right though India is an experience and the experience would not be truly so awful if not for the unbearable heat; "hey you ... TAXI?"; and the inability to travel without thousands of people being around you. But most of all you are able to deal with India as long as you take time and do not expect the right response the first time.

Missing you all but I am having a great time despite myself! (Ten months married today and love my wife more than ever - best choice I made!)

Alastair Greg Frame